Craig Ferguson & politics....so funny, but oh so true

For You...And You, and You, and You.....

Josh stole this from Kristen, and now I shall steal it from him.  Apparently, you are supposed to write things that you would NEVER say to someone...someone who has been an integral part of your life.  These are people specific, so if you think you're worthy of my time, read on.  If not, read on anyway...you may learn a little something about me.

1.  You mean the world to me.  It's amazing what you've done to me in such a short amount of time.  I don't know, maybe you were doing it to me all along and I just now accepted it.  All I know is I love it and I love what I have become because of you.  You're a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you.

2.  You are going to be deeply missed.  Wherever you are in this world, I hope you'll carry me with you.  Our friendship will survive, despite the distance between us.  I love you forever and always.

3.  You are lucky I have a sense of civility and a bit of tact.  If I were to attack you half as much as you have me, you'd never be able to show your face in public again.  You're a disgrace to anyone who has ever supported you or put faith in you.    And unfortunately for you, those closest to you agree with me.  Your best friends are now laughing with me and turning their backs to you.  You're worthless.  I'm sorry it ended this way...but YOU created this monster.

4.  I had so much faith and hope in you.  I really thought you'd succeed, especially after watching me.  As of now, you've failed.  You've turned out like those we criticized.  Should I be disappointed in myself?  Or should I accept that I've done all I can?  I'm here.  I'll help you.  Just ask.  I love you.

5.  I love you more than I could ever express to you.  I wish you knew that.  And I wish I knew what you feel for me.  Sometimes I feel discarded, unsatisfactory, although I know that I'm truly deserving of more than what you give to me.  Those few days we spent together in the car were wonderful.  We bonded more than we ever have.  I'd give anything to do that again.  To feel your love, your support, and your pride in me.  I love you....I truly do.

6.  I can't believe you went back.  You are asking for trouble.  Serious trouble.  How many times are you going to let him hurt you?  What if this time he does more than hurt you?  Or what if he attacks the kids?  Would you be able to live with yourself?  You're smarter than this.  I have confidence in the fact that you can do better than him.  You deserve better than him.  Come home.  Help yourself and your precious babies.  Don't let him continue to hold this power over you.  Be strong.  We're all here for you.

7.  I'm so glad that you're you again.  Six years have passed and while we're all still healing, it's nice to know that you, too, have continued on with your life.  Your smile, your laugh, your obnoxious bitchiness....it's so great to see it all again.  We'll never forget.  She'll always be with us.  I'm glad you're with us again.

8.  You, my little man, are my life.  My moon, my stars, my heaven, my earth.  It is amazing what I feel as I hold you close to me, as I see you smile, as you wrap your little arms around me.  It's impossible to describe the love I have for you....impossible.  I can't wait until I can say "I love you, little man" and you can say "I love you too, Auntie E" right back to me.  You and I....we have some amazing times ahead of us.  I LOVE YOU!

9.  You've done more for me than I could have ever expected.  For that I am eternally grateful.

10.  We aren't as close as we used to be, as we should be.  Regardless, I love you all the same.  Tough times will soon come to you, and I'll be here, as you have been for me.  You hurt, I hurt, right?

11.  Please don't judge me for what's happening in  my life right now.  I know you're sensitive to this.  As I said, I can't help how I feel.  You're an amazing friend and I don't want that to change.  Someday you'll understand.  I promise.

12.  You betrayed us all.  You left at a time when we needed you most.  Your effort and dedication was thrown away like an old toy.  And, to leave us for someone else?  Someone you don't know, like, or trust?  What have you done?  You can beg for forgiveness, and maybe we'll forgive, but we'll never forget.

13.  You will get caught.  And, don't expect me to feel sorry for you...I'll feel sorry for her.

14.  What have I done to create this eternal animosity between us?  I've done nothing but good things for you.  Well, get over it, and get used to me.  I'm going to be around for a LONG while.

15.  I'm sorry things turned out this way.  And I'm sorry I barged back into your life just to leave again.  I didn't mean to hurt you, not once, but twice.  I thought it was what I wanted.  I was wrong.

16.  I'm so proud of your success.  I know we had our issues, but that's what happens when people spend too much time together.  You are an amazing person...smart, talented, driven, dedicated.  You are destined for great things, even more than what you've already achieved in  the short time you've spent chasing your dreams.  Best of luck, and don't forget about me when you become famous!  I hope to see you soon.

17.  You're amazing.  I may not always show it, but I love you more than you know.  You're my savior....literally.

18.  You are more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  You do not deserve someone like her.  The next time you hurt her, I will hurt you.

19.  You are even more disgusting than the one who is more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  I guess you're a real man because you can beat up a woman to the point of almost killing her.  Or maybe you're a real man because you "discipline" your kids to the point where they will hardly look anyone in the eye.  You are a chauvinistic pig and deserve nothing but a life of eternal pain and suffering.

20.  I haven't met you.  I haven't touched you, smelled you, heard you, or held you.  But I already love you.

♥

Little Man

Welcome to this world, little man.

Open your eyes, open your mouth,

Let out a scream as loud as you can.

Ten tiny fingers, and ten tiny toes,

An amazing, healthy boy...just as planned.

A world full of love, joy, family and friends,

This is the place where it all began.

Learn to walk, learn to talk,

We'll lead you through life, hand-in-hand.

We'll watch you grow, we'll watch you succeed,

We'll watch you develop your master plan.

Baseball, football, soccer, track,

Whatever your choice, we're your biggest fans.

Doctor, lawyer, teacher, artist,

These are all a part of a grander plan.

Father, brother, son, friend,

Remember what's most important throughout your life span.

One more time, from me to you,

Welcome to this world, Little Man.

♥ CJH 9/02/08

Katie Marie....8-27-02

6 years have flown by...

It seems like yesterday we were reluctantly and unwillingly posing in our long, black gowns, trying not to laugh as the oooohs and aaaaahs were followed by bright flashes of light.  "You'd think we were celebs, for fucks sake," you whispered to me.  I almost choked.  It was perfect.

Or how about a few years earlier....matching bikinis on the sandy beaches of Florida.  A week of sand, sun, and hottie tottie baseball players!  We were in heaven!  Belly button rings, Jeep Cherokee, baseball games, annoying brothers and sisters (and parents!), sneaking sips of alcohol, giggling like school girls.  It was perfect.

So many memories, yet the words just won't come.  I can still hear your laugh.  I can still feel your hug.  I can still see you running around flashing everyone.  You sure did love your boobs....as did everyone else!!  I still hear it every now and then....."Damn, Katie had huge boobs!"  I just shake my head and laugh...and sometimes say, "Yeah, she knows."

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  At least I can smile now, instead of fighting back the tears, and for that I am thankful.  The memories you gave me will never be erased, the laughter we shared will never be replaced.  You will forever have a place in my heart, KTA.  To me, you will forever be perfect.

6 years have flown by.....

Let's take a walk.

Jingle, jingle....the sounds of the collar as I pull it out of the drawer.  "Let's go for a walk, babe!"  Jingle, jingle.

Jump.  Run.  Jump.  Spin.  Jumpjumpjump. Spin.  Sit.

Slide the collar on, hook the leash.  Oops....sorry babe, I got some hair!

Runrunrun.  Jumpjumpjump.

Down the steps and onto the sidewalk.  She's crazy, spastic, hyper, excited.  She loves walks.  Ipod on, feeling the music.  My time to relax.

OH!!  The neighbors ivy.  Always my first stop.  Sniffsniffsniff.  Sniffsniffsniff.  Ok, enough of that.

Continue walking.  OMG!!!  Look out for the dumb ass on the four-wheeler....my life just flashed before my eyes.  BREATHE....10-9-8-7.....

OH!!!  Fire hydrant #1!  Sniffsniffsniff.  Let's wrap the leash around it.  Always wrap the leash around it.  Hehe.

She always wraps the freaking leash around it.  ALWAYS.  Pick her up, cross the bridge, set her down.  More obstacles...a father and son on bicycles, a car pulling into the park, another exiting.  Poor Paris.  So small.  So excited.

OH!!!  A McDonalds bag!  Foodfoodfood.  Damn....nothing.  OH!!!  Fire hydrant #2!  Sniffsniffsniff.  I won't wrap myself around it this time....maybe next time.

Golfers.  Men.  Always staring.  Look forward.  Resist the urge to let the middle finger fly, or worse, punch them.  No, I would never.  But I'd like to!  Cross the street.  From passing cars I hear "Oh, look how cute!"  Yeah, she is, isn't she?  I know this.  FOR SALE.....my dream house.  Huge.  White.  Victorian.  Bright blue shutters.  Large porch.  Too bad it's out of my price range....or anyone else's for that matter.  You'd think after years on the market, they'd lower it.  Whatever.  My favorite block.  Victorian after victorian.  White, blue, yellow, pink.  Flashbacks of Rainbow Row on the Battery in Charleston.  Beautiful city.  Bad memories.  DING!!  Think about something else.  The sound of some sort of machine in the background.  Cross the street.  Which way?  This way.  Walkwalkwalk.  Elderly women and minimal amounts of exercise.  Families returning from football practice.  Friends gossiping on wrap-around porches.  Men...staring again.  Maybe they're staring at the pup and not me.  Maybe.  Another FOR SALE.  And another.  Beautiful house.  Let's take a look at the brochure.

OH!!!  We're stopping!  Ok, I didn't wrap the last time....it's time to wrap.  Around and around I go.  Hehe.

Damnit, Paris!!  Always wrapping.  I attempt to unwrap her from the FOR SALE sign, but as I make my way around the sign, she follows, winding us both into a tangled web of leash.  I'm sure the elderly exercisers, the football family, the gossiping friends, and the staring men are all getting a chuckle out of this.  Ha. Ha.  To make it worse, I think we walked into mosquito haven.  THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!  Smack, smack, smack!  Continue walking.  Beautiful homes.  Maybe someday.  Sidewalk chalkers.  Future artists?  I doubt it.  Smack!  Hmmm....I haven't been down this road.  Walkwalkwalk.  Smack!  Dead end.  That must be why I've never been down this road.  U turn.  Walkwalkwalk.  Again, pass the future artists, FOR SALE, staring men, gossiping friends, football family, and elderly exercisers.  RUFF!  RUFF!  What a handsome old Basset Hound.  Sounds tough.  In actuality, too old and lazy to move from his cozy spot on the porch.  Smack!  Walkwalkwalk.  Daydream....future, love, family, home.  Hope.  Pray.  Wish.  Someday.  Uh oh....big, black dog on the loose.  Where's master?  Where's master?  Oh, there's master.  And the machine making all that racket.  RUFF!  RUFF!  Oh no....please be an invisible fence.

RUNRUNRUN!!  He's big.  And scary.  And loud.  And UNLEASHED!  Oh shit, let's go mommy!  Let's go!  RUNRUNRUN!!

Smile and pass.  Smile and pass.  Of course....master speaks.  The usual....she's so small, she's so cute, blah blah blah.  Seeing the fear in her eyes, I quickly spill my usual....she's full grown, three pounds, mini yorkie, thank you, yeah yeah yeah and hurry her to safety.  Smack!  Whew.  That was close.  Thank God for the invisible fence.  Cross the street.  Golfers.  Men.  Staring.  Middle finger?  Punch?  No.  Look forward and ignore.  Look forward and ignore.  BREATHE.  10-9-8-7...

OH!!!  A jogger!  Let's get him!  RUNRUNRUN!!  Ok, mom's not running.  Wait.  RUNRUNRUN!!  Apparently she's not running again.  Always ruining my fun.  OH!!!  Fire hydrant #3!  Sniffsniffsniff.  I won't wrap this time....the last one was pretty good....I'll give her a break.

Thank goodness she didn't wrap.  She always wraps.  Smack!  Almost home.  What a nice walk...aside from the mosquitos, the black beast, and the perverted golfers.  What a nice walk.

We'll take another one tomorrow, babe.  Good Girl!

Just read it.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or laugh at my thoughts. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember, hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there anymore. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

H-A-T-E

hate, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

Never before have I felt this much hate for someone. In fact, I don't think I've ever hated anyone. But now....

It's such a strong word....definitely not one to be used lightly. And in my case, lightly is definitely not how it is used. The pain and distress I feel because of him is unbearable, indescribable, incomprehensible. His misery is propelling the misery of others; not just myself, but my friends and family, those closest to me. His threats, while more than likely empty, are degrading and humiliating. As I have been told numerous times by those "closest" to him, he is a miserable person, always has been, and he is not willing to live alone in this misery. It is now his goal to make everyone around him just as woeful as he. Pathetic...

What a waste of nearly three years of my life. While many may question this statement, I can honestly say that most of the time spent with him was spent unhappy and unsatisfied. Of course, I always put a smile on my face, as I am doing now. But hidden underneath the surface was resentment, melancholy, and solitude. A world of anger and sadness. Money, drugs, depression...the staples of HIS life....the dolor of MINE. Why did I stay? Why did I let him affect me in this way? At first, it was because I had hope that he'd one day straighten out his life and together we could make an amazing world for the two of us. As this idealism faded, I tried several times to escape, each time to no avail as he would threaten not only me, but my family, my friends, my pets, all in all my sanity. I suffered in order to protect my loves. Noble, huh?? Yeah, not so much....

So, here I am. Obviously, I finally found the strength to leave. And while I continue to be haunted by him, I know it will all go away....hopefully sooner rather than later.

Fortunately, I have found happiness elsewhere.....

It all starts....

....about 3 months ago.  Well, that's when the drama starts.  Really, IT all starts about 2 years ago.  The anger, the hurt, the realization that he definitely isn't made for me.  If only I had made the decision then....  I spent days, weeks, months, years following him, serving him, pleasing him, too foolish to see the real him.  After driving 4000 miles, losing my entire savings, losing my precious Bubby, and finding my true self, I finally realized.  I realized.....

So, here I am.  Now back in Ohio....back HOME.  What a bittersweet feeling.  Happy, sad, disappointed, anxious, stressed, relieved.  A whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes I can't handle it....the anger, the hatred I feel for him as he continues to focus his life on the destruction of mine.  But I keep my head up, put on a smile, and laugh with them all.

My strength would not be possible without those surrounding me.  My Dad....the most wonderful, caring man I know....the man who flew across the country to save his baby girl....the man who drove 2000 miles back across the country all the while being a shoulder for his daughter to cry on.  My Mom....my rock....the woman who has provided me with a safe haven, a place to rest my head, and food for my belly.  My BFF....my heart and soul....the one who truly understands what I'm going through....the one who always has words of wisdom and pieces of advice....the one who can ALWAYS make me laugh.

So, as I sit here, working out MY FIRST BLOG (!), I keep thinking of one quote...."Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Past Quotes

"Just being in this moment, doing this thing, was the most important and marvelous possibility for you." -Zadie Smith, On Beauty

"To be great is to be misunderstood." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention."

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -Aldous Huxley

"[some argue] that it's sexist to keep Sarah Palin under wraps, as if she were a delicate flower who might wilt under the bright lights of the modern media. But the more Palin talks, the more we see that it may not be sexism but common sense that's causing the McCain campaign to treat her like a time bomb." -Fareed Zakaria

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." -Helen Keller

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends." - From Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." -From the film, "Wedding Crashers"

"In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime." -From Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

"Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless." -Jamie Paolinetti