To new beginnings....

June 25, 2010

Change. A time and place where a feeling of unease meets excitement. A period in one's life that requires a choice, a decision to be made. A time and place in my life as of now.

The continuous rock in my life is gone. The person who is forever dependable, always reliable, and forever grateful for who I am as a person and a friend. Gone to the land of palms, lizards, and Latinos. Gone to create change in her world, therefore creating a parallel change in mine. In reality, she's still here, always will be. However, as I age, I am coming to appreciate the value of dates, gatherings, and the company of best friends. I'm coming to realize that technology, while an amazing development, does not make up for the time and distance between two people as close as she and I. I said, "Call anytime. Text. Facebook. Whatever." But, is that enough? Will it be enough? Will cellphones and Facebook suffice at a time when one of us so desperately needs the other? Tears cloud my vision as I step out of her car and into the airport, as I board the plane, as I write this note. Tears at a time and place where unease meets excitement. Excitement for the new life awaiting her arrival. Excitement for her change.

Personal change. Leaving behind the dance world that has been a home, a constant companion of mine for nearly my entire life. Heading into the world of the unknown. A world of change. In career, in location, in habits, schedules, friends; everything I've so comfortably been surrounded by since my return from the West. The present marks a new stage in my life. A developmental stage that will take me from student to teacher, friend to mentor, lover to companion. A stage that has yet to acquire a time or a place. Where I will live, where I will work, where my soul will find peace, and where my love will land is yet to be determined. These are frightening thoughts. But, this unease is met with excitement, because this is change.

As stated by the fabulous Eleanor Roosevelt, "The future belongs to those who believe in the power of their dreams." Kim is chasing the dream that I first learned of at the age of 12. Her future belongs to her. And, while I am faced with an uncertain future, I know that whatever it brings will belong to me. Simply because I believe in my dreams.

Motivation for your soul.

January 11, 2010

This post comes at a time when doubts, depression, and dissidence is consuming the very society of which we are a part. No longer are we spectators, sitting back and observing those "savages" in faraway lands. We are witnessing death and destruction in our own backyards, and now, as young adults carrying the responsibility of curing the ills of our planet, we must act immediately. If this speech doesn't inspire you to do so, I'm not sure that anything will.

Healing or Stealing

... you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation... but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement. Basically, civilization needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

This planet came with a set of instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don’t poison the water, soil, or air, don’t let the earth get overcrowded, and don’t touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food—but all that is changing.

There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: You are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring. The earth couldn’t afford to send recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren’t pessimistic, you don’t understand the data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren’t optimistic, you haven’t got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote, “So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.” There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refugee camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen. Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. “One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world.

Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown — Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood — and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, non-governmental organizations, and companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history.

The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. We are the only species on the planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time rather than renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can’t print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. And dreams come true. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe, which is exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a “little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven.”

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. You can feel it. It is called life. This is who you are. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. Our innate nature is to create the conditions that are conducive to life. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television.

This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn’t stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn’t ask for a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hope only makes sense when it doesn’t make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it.

**This was an exceptionally inspiring commencement address given by Paul Hawken at the University of Portland, 2009.

Through the looking glass.

I've realized that my life has become a chaotic, unrecognizable place.  I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, some good, some bad.  I've lost a few good friends, but gained several great ones.  I'm disregarding things that were once important, and replacing them with things that are now necessary for (emotional and physical) survival.  I have doubts, issues, problems, drama, all unnecessary.  I'm torn.  Being pulled in several different directions.  It's an endless whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster ride that has lasted far too long.  Take the easy route?  Hold on through the tough times?  Continue hoping?  Or, live for me....as I declared as the clock struck midnight.  I'm young, determined, and independent.  Why do I feel so helpless?  One emotion says go, the other says stay.  One says me, the other says him.  For months, I've fought myself, convinced myself one way or the other.  For my sanity, for me, it's time.  It's time to live for me....and make the decision that best represents that resolution.  My heart is damaged from past experiences.  And this will add yet another scar.  A best friend, a lover, a companion.  Alone I am not, but alone I so feel.

Little Man

Welcome to this world, little man.

Open your eyes, open your mouth,

Let out a scream as loud as you can.

Ten tiny fingers, and ten tiny toes,

An amazing, healthy boy...just as planned.

A world full of love, joy, family and friends,

This is the place where it all began.

Learn to walk, learn to talk,

We'll lead you through life, hand-in-hand.

We'll watch you grow, we'll watch you succeed,

We'll watch you develop your master plan.

Baseball, football, soccer, track,

Whatever your choice, we're your biggest fans.

Doctor, lawyer, teacher, artist,

These are all a part of a grander plan.

Father, brother, son, friend,

Remember what's most important throughout your life span.

One more time, from me to you,

Welcome to this world, Little Man.

♥ CJH 9/02/08

Just read it.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or laugh at my thoughts. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember, hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there anymore. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

H-A-T-E

hate, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

Never before have I felt this much hate for someone. In fact, I don't think I've ever hated anyone. But now....

It's such a strong word....definitely not one to be used lightly. And in my case, lightly is definitely not how it is used. The pain and distress I feel because of him is unbearable, indescribable, incomprehensible. His misery is propelling the misery of others; not just myself, but my friends and family, those closest to me. His threats, while more than likely empty, are degrading and humiliating. As I have been told numerous times by those "closest" to him, he is a miserable person, always has been, and he is not willing to live alone in this misery. It is now his goal to make everyone around him just as woeful as he. Pathetic...

What a waste of nearly three years of my life. While many may question this statement, I can honestly say that most of the time spent with him was spent unhappy and unsatisfied. Of course, I always put a smile on my face, as I am doing now. But hidden underneath the surface was resentment, melancholy, and solitude. A world of anger and sadness. Money, drugs, depression...the staples of HIS life....the dolor of MINE. Why did I stay? Why did I let him affect me in this way? At first, it was because I had hope that he'd one day straighten out his life and together we could make an amazing world for the two of us. As this idealism faded, I tried several times to escape, each time to no avail as he would threaten not only me, but my family, my friends, my pets, all in all my sanity. I suffered in order to protect my loves. Noble, huh?? Yeah, not so much....

So, here I am. Obviously, I finally found the strength to leave. And while I continue to be haunted by him, I know it will all go away....hopefully sooner rather than later.

Fortunately, I have found happiness elsewhere.....

It all starts....

....about 3 months ago.  Well, that's when the drama starts.  Really, IT all starts about 2 years ago.  The anger, the hurt, the realization that he definitely isn't made for me.  If only I had made the decision then....  I spent days, weeks, months, years following him, serving him, pleasing him, too foolish to see the real him.  After driving 4000 miles, losing my entire savings, losing my precious Bubby, and finding my true self, I finally realized.  I realized.....

So, here I am.  Now back in Ohio....back HOME.  What a bittersweet feeling.  Happy, sad, disappointed, anxious, stressed, relieved.  A whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes I can't handle it....the anger, the hatred I feel for him as he continues to focus his life on the destruction of mine.  But I keep my head up, put on a smile, and laugh with them all.

My strength would not be possible without those surrounding me.  My Dad....the most wonderful, caring man I know....the man who flew across the country to save his baby girl....the man who drove 2000 miles back across the country all the while being a shoulder for his daughter to cry on.  My Mom....my rock....the woman who has provided me with a safe haven, a place to rest my head, and food for my belly.  My BFF....my heart and soul....the one who truly understands what I'm going through....the one who always has words of wisdom and pieces of advice....the one who can ALWAYS make me laugh.

So, as I sit here, working out MY FIRST BLOG (!), I keep thinking of one quote...."Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."