To new beginnings....

June 25, 2010

Change. A time and place where a feeling of unease meets excitement. A period in one's life that requires a choice, a decision to be made. A time and place in my life as of now.

The continuous rock in my life is gone. The person who is forever dependable, always reliable, and forever grateful for who I am as a person and a friend. Gone to the land of palms, lizards, and Latinos. Gone to create change in her world, therefore creating a parallel change in mine. In reality, she's still here, always will be. However, as I age, I am coming to appreciate the value of dates, gatherings, and the company of best friends. I'm coming to realize that technology, while an amazing development, does not make up for the time and distance between two people as close as she and I. I said, "Call anytime. Text. Facebook. Whatever." But, is that enough? Will it be enough? Will cellphones and Facebook suffice at a time when one of us so desperately needs the other? Tears cloud my vision as I step out of her car and into the airport, as I board the plane, as I write this note. Tears at a time and place where unease meets excitement. Excitement for the new life awaiting her arrival. Excitement for her change.

Personal change. Leaving behind the dance world that has been a home, a constant companion of mine for nearly my entire life. Heading into the world of the unknown. A world of change. In career, in location, in habits, schedules, friends; everything I've so comfortably been surrounded by since my return from the West. The present marks a new stage in my life. A developmental stage that will take me from student to teacher, friend to mentor, lover to companion. A stage that has yet to acquire a time or a place. Where I will live, where I will work, where my soul will find peace, and where my love will land is yet to be determined. These are frightening thoughts. But, this unease is met with excitement, because this is change.

As stated by the fabulous Eleanor Roosevelt, "The future belongs to those who believe in the power of their dreams." Kim is chasing the dream that I first learned of at the age of 12. Her future belongs to her. And, while I am faced with an uncertain future, I know that whatever it brings will belong to me. Simply because I believe in my dreams.

Lost in Love.

It’s like a dream

in which

it seems

your world is spinning

faster, faster.

The force within

grabs hold

and blankets you

together.

Lost in love,

you beg

to never let go.

Pure desire.

Hearts race faster.

The sight,

the smell,

the sound,

the taste.

Fingers intertwine,

face-to-face.

Lost in love,

you beg

to never let go.

Thoughts race

of forever together.

Two worlds collide,

joining as one.

Shooting stars

within your heart,

all because they opened it.

Lost in love,

you beg,

you beg,

you beg,

to never let go.

Perhaps the most beautiful love letter of all....

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours.

Single Schmingle

7/15/09

It's the most annoying question and they just can't help asking you. You'll be asked it at family gatherings, particularly weddings. Men will ask you it on first dates. Therapists will ask you over and over again. And you'll ask yourself it far too often. It's the question that has no good answer, and that never makes anyone feel better. It's the question, that when people stop asking it, makes you feel even worse.

And yet, I can't help but ask. Why are you single? You seem like an awfully nice person. And very attractive. I just don't understand it.

But times are changing. In almost every country around the world, the trend is for people to remain single longer and to divorce more easily. As more and more women become economically independent, their need for personal freedom increases, and that often results in not marrying so quickly.

A human being's desire to mate, to pair up, to be a part of a couple, will never change. But, the way we go about it, how badly we need it, what we are willing to sacrifice for it, most definitely is changing.

So maybe the question isn't anymore, "Why are you single?" Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is "How are you single?" It's a big new world out there and the rules keep changing.

Through the looking glass.

I've realized that my life has become a chaotic, unrecognizable place.  I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, some good, some bad.  I've lost a few good friends, but gained several great ones.  I'm disregarding things that were once important, and replacing them with things that are now necessary for (emotional and physical) survival.  I have doubts, issues, problems, drama, all unnecessary.  I'm torn.  Being pulled in several different directions.  It's an endless whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster ride that has lasted far too long.  Take the easy route?  Hold on through the tough times?  Continue hoping?  Or, live for me....as I declared as the clock struck midnight.  I'm young, determined, and independent.  Why do I feel so helpless?  One emotion says go, the other says stay.  One says me, the other says him.  For months, I've fought myself, convinced myself one way or the other.  For my sanity, for me, it's time.  It's time to live for me....and make the decision that best represents that resolution.  My heart is damaged from past experiences.  And this will add yet another scar.  A best friend, a lover, a companion.  Alone I am not, but alone I so feel.

For You...And You, and You, and You.....

Josh stole this from Kristen, and now I shall steal it from him.  Apparently, you are supposed to write things that you would NEVER say to someone...someone who has been an integral part of your life.  These are people specific, so if you think you're worthy of my time, read on.  If not, read on anyway...you may learn a little something about me.

1.  You mean the world to me.  It's amazing what you've done to me in such a short amount of time.  I don't know, maybe you were doing it to me all along and I just now accepted it.  All I know is I love it and I love what I have become because of you.  You're a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you.

2.  You are going to be deeply missed.  Wherever you are in this world, I hope you'll carry me with you.  Our friendship will survive, despite the distance between us.  I love you forever and always.

3.  You are lucky I have a sense of civility and a bit of tact.  If I were to attack you half as much as you have me, you'd never be able to show your face in public again.  You're a disgrace to anyone who has ever supported you or put faith in you.    And unfortunately for you, those closest to you agree with me.  Your best friends are now laughing with me and turning their backs to you.  You're worthless.  I'm sorry it ended this way...but YOU created this monster.

4.  I had so much faith and hope in you.  I really thought you'd succeed, especially after watching me.  As of now, you've failed.  You've turned out like those we criticized.  Should I be disappointed in myself?  Or should I accept that I've done all I can?  I'm here.  I'll help you.  Just ask.  I love you.

5.  I love you more than I could ever express to you.  I wish you knew that.  And I wish I knew what you feel for me.  Sometimes I feel discarded, unsatisfactory, although I know that I'm truly deserving of more than what you give to me.  Those few days we spent together in the car were wonderful.  We bonded more than we ever have.  I'd give anything to do that again.  To feel your love, your support, and your pride in me.  I love you....I truly do.

6.  I can't believe you went back.  You are asking for trouble.  Serious trouble.  How many times are you going to let him hurt you?  What if this time he does more than hurt you?  Or what if he attacks the kids?  Would you be able to live with yourself?  You're smarter than this.  I have confidence in the fact that you can do better than him.  You deserve better than him.  Come home.  Help yourself and your precious babies.  Don't let him continue to hold this power over you.  Be strong.  We're all here for you.

7.  I'm so glad that you're you again.  Six years have passed and while we're all still healing, it's nice to know that you, too, have continued on with your life.  Your smile, your laugh, your obnoxious bitchiness....it's so great to see it all again.  We'll never forget.  She'll always be with us.  I'm glad you're with us again.

8.  You, my little man, are my life.  My moon, my stars, my heaven, my earth.  It is amazing what I feel as I hold you close to me, as I see you smile, as you wrap your little arms around me.  It's impossible to describe the love I have for you....impossible.  I can't wait until I can say "I love you, little man" and you can say "I love you too, Auntie E" right back to me.  You and I....we have some amazing times ahead of us.  I LOVE YOU!

9.  You've done more for me than I could have ever expected.  For that I am eternally grateful.

10.  We aren't as close as we used to be, as we should be.  Regardless, I love you all the same.  Tough times will soon come to you, and I'll be here, as you have been for me.  You hurt, I hurt, right?

11.  Please don't judge me for what's happening in  my life right now.  I know you're sensitive to this.  As I said, I can't help how I feel.  You're an amazing friend and I don't want that to change.  Someday you'll understand.  I promise.

12.  You betrayed us all.  You left at a time when we needed you most.  Your effort and dedication was thrown away like an old toy.  And, to leave us for someone else?  Someone you don't know, like, or trust?  What have you done?  You can beg for forgiveness, and maybe we'll forgive, but we'll never forget.

13.  You will get caught.  And, don't expect me to feel sorry for you...I'll feel sorry for her.

14.  What have I done to create this eternal animosity between us?  I've done nothing but good things for you.  Well, get over it, and get used to me.  I'm going to be around for a LONG while.

15.  I'm sorry things turned out this way.  And I'm sorry I barged back into your life just to leave again.  I didn't mean to hurt you, not once, but twice.  I thought it was what I wanted.  I was wrong.

16.  I'm so proud of your success.  I know we had our issues, but that's what happens when people spend too much time together.  You are an amazing person...smart, talented, driven, dedicated.  You are destined for great things, even more than what you've already achieved in  the short time you've spent chasing your dreams.  Best of luck, and don't forget about me when you become famous!  I hope to see you soon.

17.  You're amazing.  I may not always show it, but I love you more than you know.  You're my savior....literally.

18.  You are more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  You do not deserve someone like her.  The next time you hurt her, I will hurt you.

19.  You are even more disgusting than the one who is more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  I guess you're a real man because you can beat up a woman to the point of almost killing her.  Or maybe you're a real man because you "discipline" your kids to the point where they will hardly look anyone in the eye.  You are a chauvinistic pig and deserve nothing but a life of eternal pain and suffering.

20.  I haven't met you.  I haven't touched you, smelled you, heard you, or held you.  But I already love you.

♥

Just read it.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or laugh at my thoughts. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember, hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there anymore. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

It all starts....

....about 3 months ago.  Well, that's when the drama starts.  Really, IT all starts about 2 years ago.  The anger, the hurt, the realization that he definitely isn't made for me.  If only I had made the decision then....  I spent days, weeks, months, years following him, serving him, pleasing him, too foolish to see the real him.  After driving 4000 miles, losing my entire savings, losing my precious Bubby, and finding my true self, I finally realized.  I realized.....

So, here I am.  Now back in Ohio....back HOME.  What a bittersweet feeling.  Happy, sad, disappointed, anxious, stressed, relieved.  A whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes I can't handle it....the anger, the hatred I feel for him as he continues to focus his life on the destruction of mine.  But I keep my head up, put on a smile, and laugh with them all.

My strength would not be possible without those surrounding me.  My Dad....the most wonderful, caring man I know....the man who flew across the country to save his baby girl....the man who drove 2000 miles back across the country all the while being a shoulder for his daughter to cry on.  My Mom....my rock....the woman who has provided me with a safe haven, a place to rest my head, and food for my belly.  My BFF....my heart and soul....the one who truly understands what I'm going through....the one who always has words of wisdom and pieces of advice....the one who can ALWAYS make me laugh.

So, as I sit here, working out MY FIRST BLOG (!), I keep thinking of one quote...."Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."