Another for Katie Marie

8/27/09

7 years have flown by.....

It was a beautiful summer evening, not a cloud in the sky, with only the wind as a distraction.  The smell of fresh flowers lying upon your grave was subtle, yet oh so sweet.  Cards, ribbons, and flags fluttered in the breeze, each reflecting another's memory of you or expressing the disbelief in the amount of time that has passed since we last saw your smiling face.  The clock moved slowly as I sat in the grass, simply staring at the headstone.  Thoughts of our time spent together flooded my memory one after another.  Some sweet, some outrageous, all precious.  I pounded on the keyboard, documenting these memories in cyberspace, hoping to keep them forever.

As I think back upon that night, 7 years ago today, tears silently fall down my face.  A wave of emotions creeps through my body, each one fighting its way to the top.  First, anger.  Then, disbelief.  Followed by happiness, sadness, heartache.  Images of that night replay themselves over and over again, as if set on repeat.  Passing the site of the accident, the massive pile of metal that no longer even remotely resembled a vehicle.  Such a terrible, frightening sight.  Desperately hoping I did not know whomever was in that car because I knew there was no possible way there would be a survivor.  The call from my father hours later.  "Katie was in an accident."  Collapsing on the floor, sobbing, can't breathe.  Getting in the car, pedal down, don't remember the drive at all.  Getting out of the car, little sister running to me, screaming, falling to the ground in despair.  Holding her, so desperately wishing I could take away her tears.  Visitors all night....through the night.  Most of Lebanon High School in the yard, on the street.  Tears everywhere.  I can't believe this is happening.  

And, today, seven years later, I still can't believe it happened.  It was too soon.  You were just beginning to show the world how wonderful you were.  Fortunately, I experienced 16 years of your wonder.  I wish others were so lucky.

As the years have passed, my memory has faded, not of you, but of time spent together.  Rusty, as some may say.  But, the image of your beautiful face and the presence of your incredible, uplifting spirit will always remain.  You will forever be in my heart.  And, as I wrote in this very blog one year ago today, you will forever be perfect.

7 years have flown by.....

For You...And You, and You, and You.....

Josh stole this from Kristen, and now I shall steal it from him.  Apparently, you are supposed to write things that you would NEVER say to someone...someone who has been an integral part of your life.  These are people specific, so if you think you're worthy of my time, read on.  If not, read on anyway...you may learn a little something about me.

1.  You mean the world to me.  It's amazing what you've done to me in such a short amount of time.  I don't know, maybe you were doing it to me all along and I just now accepted it.  All I know is I love it and I love what I have become because of you.  You're a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you.

2.  You are going to be deeply missed.  Wherever you are in this world, I hope you'll carry me with you.  Our friendship will survive, despite the distance between us.  I love you forever and always.

3.  You are lucky I have a sense of civility and a bit of tact.  If I were to attack you half as much as you have me, you'd never be able to show your face in public again.  You're a disgrace to anyone who has ever supported you or put faith in you.    And unfortunately for you, those closest to you agree with me.  Your best friends are now laughing with me and turning their backs to you.  You're worthless.  I'm sorry it ended this way...but YOU created this monster.

4.  I had so much faith and hope in you.  I really thought you'd succeed, especially after watching me.  As of now, you've failed.  You've turned out like those we criticized.  Should I be disappointed in myself?  Or should I accept that I've done all I can?  I'm here.  I'll help you.  Just ask.  I love you.

5.  I love you more than I could ever express to you.  I wish you knew that.  And I wish I knew what you feel for me.  Sometimes I feel discarded, unsatisfactory, although I know that I'm truly deserving of more than what you give to me.  Those few days we spent together in the car were wonderful.  We bonded more than we ever have.  I'd give anything to do that again.  To feel your love, your support, and your pride in me.  I love you....I truly do.

6.  I can't believe you went back.  You are asking for trouble.  Serious trouble.  How many times are you going to let him hurt you?  What if this time he does more than hurt you?  Or what if he attacks the kids?  Would you be able to live with yourself?  You're smarter than this.  I have confidence in the fact that you can do better than him.  You deserve better than him.  Come home.  Help yourself and your precious babies.  Don't let him continue to hold this power over you.  Be strong.  We're all here for you.

7.  I'm so glad that you're you again.  Six years have passed and while we're all still healing, it's nice to know that you, too, have continued on with your life.  Your smile, your laugh, your obnoxious bitchiness....it's so great to see it all again.  We'll never forget.  She'll always be with us.  I'm glad you're with us again.

8.  You, my little man, are my life.  My moon, my stars, my heaven, my earth.  It is amazing what I feel as I hold you close to me, as I see you smile, as you wrap your little arms around me.  It's impossible to describe the love I have for you....impossible.  I can't wait until I can say "I love you, little man" and you can say "I love you too, Auntie E" right back to me.  You and I....we have some amazing times ahead of us.  I LOVE YOU!

9.  You've done more for me than I could have ever expected.  For that I am eternally grateful.

10.  We aren't as close as we used to be, as we should be.  Regardless, I love you all the same.  Tough times will soon come to you, and I'll be here, as you have been for me.  You hurt, I hurt, right?

11.  Please don't judge me for what's happening in  my life right now.  I know you're sensitive to this.  As I said, I can't help how I feel.  You're an amazing friend and I don't want that to change.  Someday you'll understand.  I promise.

12.  You betrayed us all.  You left at a time when we needed you most.  Your effort and dedication was thrown away like an old toy.  And, to leave us for someone else?  Someone you don't know, like, or trust?  What have you done?  You can beg for forgiveness, and maybe we'll forgive, but we'll never forget.

13.  You will get caught.  And, don't expect me to feel sorry for you...I'll feel sorry for her.

14.  What have I done to create this eternal animosity between us?  I've done nothing but good things for you.  Well, get over it, and get used to me.  I'm going to be around for a LONG while.

15.  I'm sorry things turned out this way.  And I'm sorry I barged back into your life just to leave again.  I didn't mean to hurt you, not once, but twice.  I thought it was what I wanted.  I was wrong.

16.  I'm so proud of your success.  I know we had our issues, but that's what happens when people spend too much time together.  You are an amazing person...smart, talented, driven, dedicated.  You are destined for great things, even more than what you've already achieved in  the short time you've spent chasing your dreams.  Best of luck, and don't forget about me when you become famous!  I hope to see you soon.

17.  You're amazing.  I may not always show it, but I love you more than you know.  You're my savior....literally.

18.  You are more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  You do not deserve someone like her.  The next time you hurt her, I will hurt you.

19.  You are even more disgusting than the one who is more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  I guess you're a real man because you can beat up a woman to the point of almost killing her.  Or maybe you're a real man because you "discipline" your kids to the point where they will hardly look anyone in the eye.  You are a chauvinistic pig and deserve nothing but a life of eternal pain and suffering.

20.  I haven't met you.  I haven't touched you, smelled you, heard you, or held you.  But I already love you.

♥

Katie Marie....8-27-02

6 years have flown by...

It seems like yesterday we were reluctantly and unwillingly posing in our long, black gowns, trying not to laugh as the oooohs and aaaaahs were followed by bright flashes of light.  "You'd think we were celebs, for fucks sake," you whispered to me.  I almost choked.  It was perfect.

Or how about a few years earlier....matching bikinis on the sandy beaches of Florida.  A week of sand, sun, and hottie tottie baseball players!  We were in heaven!  Belly button rings, Jeep Cherokee, baseball games, annoying brothers and sisters (and parents!), sneaking sips of alcohol, giggling like school girls.  It was perfect.

So many memories, yet the words just won't come.  I can still hear your laugh.  I can still feel your hug.  I can still see you running around flashing everyone.  You sure did love your boobs....as did everyone else!!  I still hear it every now and then....."Damn, Katie had huge boobs!"  I just shake my head and laugh...and sometimes say, "Yeah, she knows."

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  At least I can smile now, instead of fighting back the tears, and for that I am thankful.  The memories you gave me will never be erased, the laughter we shared will never be replaced.  You will forever have a place in my heart, KTA.  To me, you will forever be perfect.

6 years have flown by.....

H-A-T-E

hate, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

Never before have I felt this much hate for someone. In fact, I don't think I've ever hated anyone. But now....

It's such a strong word....definitely not one to be used lightly. And in my case, lightly is definitely not how it is used. The pain and distress I feel because of him is unbearable, indescribable, incomprehensible. His misery is propelling the misery of others; not just myself, but my friends and family, those closest to me. His threats, while more than likely empty, are degrading and humiliating. As I have been told numerous times by those "closest" to him, he is a miserable person, always has been, and he is not willing to live alone in this misery. It is now his goal to make everyone around him just as woeful as he. Pathetic...

What a waste of nearly three years of my life. While many may question this statement, I can honestly say that most of the time spent with him was spent unhappy and unsatisfied. Of course, I always put a smile on my face, as I am doing now. But hidden underneath the surface was resentment, melancholy, and solitude. A world of anger and sadness. Money, drugs, depression...the staples of HIS life....the dolor of MINE. Why did I stay? Why did I let him affect me in this way? At first, it was because I had hope that he'd one day straighten out his life and together we could make an amazing world for the two of us. As this idealism faded, I tried several times to escape, each time to no avail as he would threaten not only me, but my family, my friends, my pets, all in all my sanity. I suffered in order to protect my loves. Noble, huh?? Yeah, not so much....

So, here I am. Obviously, I finally found the strength to leave. And while I continue to be haunted by him, I know it will all go away....hopefully sooner rather than later.

Fortunately, I have found happiness elsewhere.....

It all starts....

....about 3 months ago.  Well, that's when the drama starts.  Really, IT all starts about 2 years ago.  The anger, the hurt, the realization that he definitely isn't made for me.  If only I had made the decision then....  I spent days, weeks, months, years following him, serving him, pleasing him, too foolish to see the real him.  After driving 4000 miles, losing my entire savings, losing my precious Bubby, and finding my true self, I finally realized.  I realized.....

So, here I am.  Now back in Ohio....back HOME.  What a bittersweet feeling.  Happy, sad, disappointed, anxious, stressed, relieved.  A whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes I can't handle it....the anger, the hatred I feel for him as he continues to focus his life on the destruction of mine.  But I keep my head up, put on a smile, and laugh with them all.

My strength would not be possible without those surrounding me.  My Dad....the most wonderful, caring man I know....the man who flew across the country to save his baby girl....the man who drove 2000 miles back across the country all the while being a shoulder for his daughter to cry on.  My Mom....my rock....the woman who has provided me with a safe haven, a place to rest my head, and food for my belly.  My BFF....my heart and soul....the one who truly understands what I'm going through....the one who always has words of wisdom and pieces of advice....the one who can ALWAYS make me laugh.

So, as I sit here, working out MY FIRST BLOG (!), I keep thinking of one quote...."Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."