Another for Katie Marie

8/27/09

7 years have flown by.....

It was a beautiful summer evening, not a cloud in the sky, with only the wind as a distraction.  The smell of fresh flowers lying upon your grave was subtle, yet oh so sweet.  Cards, ribbons, and flags fluttered in the breeze, each reflecting another's memory of you or expressing the disbelief in the amount of time that has passed since we last saw your smiling face.  The clock moved slowly as I sat in the grass, simply staring at the headstone.  Thoughts of our time spent together flooded my memory one after another.  Some sweet, some outrageous, all precious.  I pounded on the keyboard, documenting these memories in cyberspace, hoping to keep them forever.

As I think back upon that night, 7 years ago today, tears silently fall down my face.  A wave of emotions creeps through my body, each one fighting its way to the top.  First, anger.  Then, disbelief.  Followed by happiness, sadness, heartache.  Images of that night replay themselves over and over again, as if set on repeat.  Passing the site of the accident, the massive pile of metal that no longer even remotely resembled a vehicle.  Such a terrible, frightening sight.  Desperately hoping I did not know whomever was in that car because I knew there was no possible way there would be a survivor.  The call from my father hours later.  "Katie was in an accident."  Collapsing on the floor, sobbing, can't breathe.  Getting in the car, pedal down, don't remember the drive at all.  Getting out of the car, little sister running to me, screaming, falling to the ground in despair.  Holding her, so desperately wishing I could take away her tears.  Visitors all night....through the night.  Most of Lebanon High School in the yard, on the street.  Tears everywhere.  I can't believe this is happening.  

And, today, seven years later, I still can't believe it happened.  It was too soon.  You were just beginning to show the world how wonderful you were.  Fortunately, I experienced 16 years of your wonder.  I wish others were so lucky.

As the years have passed, my memory has faded, not of you, but of time spent together.  Rusty, as some may say.  But, the image of your beautiful face and the presence of your incredible, uplifting spirit will always remain.  You will forever be in my heart.  And, as I wrote in this very blog one year ago today, you will forever be perfect.

7 years have flown by.....

Perhaps the most beautiful love letter of all....

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours.

Self Reliance

...There is a time in every (hu)man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but (God) will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A (hu)man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but when he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.

...Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great (humans) have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated in their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now (hu)man, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

...The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.


...I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.

...If any (hu)man considers the present aspects of what is called by distinction "society," he will see the need of these ethics. The sinew and heart of (hu)man seem to be drawn out, and we are becoming timorous, desponding whimperers. We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. We want men and women who shall renovate life and our social state, but we see that most natures are insolvent, cannot satisfy their own wants, have an ambition out of all proportion to their practical force, and do lean and beg day and night continually. Our housekeeping is mendicant, our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born.

...The rage of travelling is a symptom of a deeper unsoundness affecting the whole intellectual action. The intellect is a vagabond, and our system of education fosters restlessness. Our minds travel when our bodies are forced to stay at home. We imitate; and what is imitation but the travelling of the mind? As our Religion, our Education, our Art look abroad, so does our spirit of society. All (humans) plume themselves on the improvement of society, and no (hu)man improves.

...Society is a wave. The wave moves onward, but the water of which it is composed does not. The same particle does not rise from the valley to the ridge. Its unity is only phenomenal. The persons who make up a nation today, next year die, and their experience with them.


...Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.