Through the looking glass.

I've realized that my life has become a chaotic, unrecognizable place.  I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, some good, some bad.  I've lost a few good friends, but gained several great ones.  I'm disregarding things that were once important, and replacing them with things that are now necessary for (emotional and physical) survival.  I have doubts, issues, problems, drama, all unnecessary.  I'm torn.  Being pulled in several different directions.  It's an endless whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster ride that has lasted far too long.  Take the easy route?  Hold on through the tough times?  Continue hoping?  Or, live for me....as I declared as the clock struck midnight.  I'm young, determined, and independent.  Why do I feel so helpless?  One emotion says go, the other says stay.  One says me, the other says him.  For months, I've fought myself, convinced myself one way or the other.  For my sanity, for me, it's time.  It's time to live for me....and make the decision that best represents that resolution.  My heart is damaged from past experiences.  And this will add yet another scar.  A best friend, a lover, a companion.  Alone I am not, but alone I so feel.