I.L.P.

"Paris.  How cliched to be impressed.  But I was.  It's an unbelievable gift to be able to travel.  It just is.  How thrilling.  How thrilling to be somewhere different - where every sight and smell seems strange and exotic.  Paris, where I'd been so many times before, was still a foreign city to me.  The cafes, the bread, the cheese, the men with their ruddy faces and gray mustaches - and the smell.  It smells old and earthy.  European.  I love it."

Single Schmingle

7/15/09

It's the most annoying question and they just can't help asking you. You'll be asked it at family gatherings, particularly weddings. Men will ask you it on first dates. Therapists will ask you over and over again. And you'll ask yourself it far too often. It's the question that has no good answer, and that never makes anyone feel better. It's the question, that when people stop asking it, makes you feel even worse.

And yet, I can't help but ask. Why are you single? You seem like an awfully nice person. And very attractive. I just don't understand it.

But times are changing. In almost every country around the world, the trend is for people to remain single longer and to divorce more easily. As more and more women become economically independent, their need for personal freedom increases, and that often results in not marrying so quickly.

A human being's desire to mate, to pair up, to be a part of a couple, will never change. But, the way we go about it, how badly we need it, what we are willing to sacrifice for it, most definitely is changing.

So maybe the question isn't anymore, "Why are you single?" Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is "How are you single?" It's a big new world out there and the rules keep changing.

What resolution?

June 7, 2009:    One lonely day in May, during a 5-hour layover at D.C.'s Reagan International Airport, I found my eyes wandering through the crowd of lifeless, annoyed travelers, wondering what I should do to pass the time, and what would be my best escape from the smelly old man next to me.  Of course, I should have been reading the chapter that was due the following day, or working on an assignment, or maybe studying for the PLT (which is coming up in just 5 short days....YIKES!!), but instead, I indulged in an express pedicure, a Starbucks Caramel Apple Spice (or, as I refer to it, Heaven in a Cardboard Cup), a beer and a burger at the infamous Gordon Biersch, and a lengthy hiatus at the mini-Borders Bookstore.  Ironically, after nearly 45 minutes of mindless page-flipping, I found myself holding a book called, "Chicken Soup for the Soul:  My Resolution."  Now, you may be thinking, "Chicken Soup???  Who are you and where is Erica?"  Trust me, I thought the same thing.  Looking at the clock and realizing I still had about 2 hours before departure, I decided to flip through the damn thing.  I flipped.  And I flipped some more.  And some more.  Before I knew it, I had read nearly 30 pages!  It was fascinating and real, and I couldn't put it down.  I reluctantly threw $17 on the counter and hurried out of that place before I ended up buying anything else.

Because I'm still in school, I have only been able to read bits here and there.  The past few days, however, I spent hours reading the stories of successful (and not so successful) resolutions made by people around the country.  Some were to lose weight, others were to save more, and others to live more.  Some are tearful, some are hilarious.  ALL ARE INSPIRATIONAL.  During this lonely weekend, I have reflected back upon the two resolutions I made as the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2009.  My first, to save! save! save!, while quite boring and traditional, has fortunately been upheld.  I have a jar (which I keep on top of my cabinet so that I don't have the urge to reach into it on a daily basis) that is half full of coins and small amounts of cash.  Each paycheck, I put just a little bit ($20 here, $10 there) into my savings account.  I'm not sure what these two money pots will be used for, but at least I've kept my resolution.  My second, to live for me, has been a little more difficult.  Yes, I do what I want, when I want.  That's the joy of being single and living alone.  If I want to run around the house naked, I will!  But, I still feel a constant urge to please others, to put others before myself.  Sometimes it's necessary, and sometimes I want to do it, but sometimes, I find the real me cussing out the nice me for saying yes to the colleague who asked me to work on his project, or for returning to the friend who has become one big disappointment.

The resolutions I made are important to me.  If they weren't, I wouldn't have made them in the first place!  However, in reading this book, I've realized that resolutions are just goals, and if they aren't fulfilled in one year, keep trying until you reach that goal.  I've also realized that resolutions don't have to be so serious, and they definitely don't have to be made on that one single night a year where everyone wears sparkly dresses, toasts to a new beginning, and affectionately (or maybe drunkenly) welcomes in the new year with a kiss.

I've taken several ideas from this book.  Some are personal, and will not be discussed here for the world to critique.  Others I am proud to share.  For example, instead of focusing on the "to-do" lists that consume my life, I will start focusing on my "have-done" list, to remind me of what I've accomplished in my young life.  It will be an on-going list that I hope to keep forever as a reflection of the life I've led.  Similar to this, I'd like to begin a journal of thanks.  This journal will hold the things that I'm thankful for each and every day.  Whether it's a snuggle from Paris, or a smile from a passing stranger, anything that brings joy to my life will be recorded.  Along with the "have-done" list, I hope this journal will be my motivation to continue on, even in the toughest of times.  My final, and perhaps most challenging, task is that of a year of photographs.  Each day for the next 365 days, I will upload a picture I have taken that day (aka a "picture of the day") that reflects some aspect of the day.  In essence, this will end up as a year of my life in photos.  Perhaps this will last a month....maybe it will last a year....but, just possibly, it could last a lifetime.  My life in photos.  I can only imagine.

**INFORMATION ON WHERE TO FOLLOW MY YEAR IN PHOTOGRAPHS WILL BE POSTED SHORTLY (gimme a break, it's 10:30 pm, I'm not starting tonight!!)

*** MY YEAR IN PHOTOS CAN BE ACCESSED BY CLICKING THE "PHOTO OF THE DAY" LINK TO THE LEFT (in the "some of my faves...." column)

Through the looking glass.

I've realized that my life has become a chaotic, unrecognizable place.  I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, some good, some bad.  I've lost a few good friends, but gained several great ones.  I'm disregarding things that were once important, and replacing them with things that are now necessary for (emotional and physical) survival.  I have doubts, issues, problems, drama, all unnecessary.  I'm torn.  Being pulled in several different directions.  It's an endless whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster ride that has lasted far too long.  Take the easy route?  Hold on through the tough times?  Continue hoping?  Or, live for me....as I declared as the clock struck midnight.  I'm young, determined, and independent.  Why do I feel so helpless?  One emotion says go, the other says stay.  One says me, the other says him.  For months, I've fought myself, convinced myself one way or the other.  For my sanity, for me, it's time.  It's time to live for me....and make the decision that best represents that resolution.  My heart is damaged from past experiences.  And this will add yet another scar.  A best friend, a lover, a companion.  Alone I am not, but alone I so feel.

Craig Ferguson & politics....so funny, but oh so true

For You...And You, and You, and You.....

Josh stole this from Kristen, and now I shall steal it from him.  Apparently, you are supposed to write things that you would NEVER say to someone...someone who has been an integral part of your life.  These are people specific, so if you think you're worthy of my time, read on.  If not, read on anyway...you may learn a little something about me.

1.  You mean the world to me.  It's amazing what you've done to me in such a short amount of time.  I don't know, maybe you were doing it to me all along and I just now accepted it.  All I know is I love it and I love what I have become because of you.  You're a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you.

2.  You are going to be deeply missed.  Wherever you are in this world, I hope you'll carry me with you.  Our friendship will survive, despite the distance between us.  I love you forever and always.

3.  You are lucky I have a sense of civility and a bit of tact.  If I were to attack you half as much as you have me, you'd never be able to show your face in public again.  You're a disgrace to anyone who has ever supported you or put faith in you.    And unfortunately for you, those closest to you agree with me.  Your best friends are now laughing with me and turning their backs to you.  You're worthless.  I'm sorry it ended this way...but YOU created this monster.

4.  I had so much faith and hope in you.  I really thought you'd succeed, especially after watching me.  As of now, you've failed.  You've turned out like those we criticized.  Should I be disappointed in myself?  Or should I accept that I've done all I can?  I'm here.  I'll help you.  Just ask.  I love you.

5.  I love you more than I could ever express to you.  I wish you knew that.  And I wish I knew what you feel for me.  Sometimes I feel discarded, unsatisfactory, although I know that I'm truly deserving of more than what you give to me.  Those few days we spent together in the car were wonderful.  We bonded more than we ever have.  I'd give anything to do that again.  To feel your love, your support, and your pride in me.  I love you....I truly do.

6.  I can't believe you went back.  You are asking for trouble.  Serious trouble.  How many times are you going to let him hurt you?  What if this time he does more than hurt you?  Or what if he attacks the kids?  Would you be able to live with yourself?  You're smarter than this.  I have confidence in the fact that you can do better than him.  You deserve better than him.  Come home.  Help yourself and your precious babies.  Don't let him continue to hold this power over you.  Be strong.  We're all here for you.

7.  I'm so glad that you're you again.  Six years have passed and while we're all still healing, it's nice to know that you, too, have continued on with your life.  Your smile, your laugh, your obnoxious bitchiness....it's so great to see it all again.  We'll never forget.  She'll always be with us.  I'm glad you're with us again.

8.  You, my little man, are my life.  My moon, my stars, my heaven, my earth.  It is amazing what I feel as I hold you close to me, as I see you smile, as you wrap your little arms around me.  It's impossible to describe the love I have for you....impossible.  I can't wait until I can say "I love you, little man" and you can say "I love you too, Auntie E" right back to me.  You and I....we have some amazing times ahead of us.  I LOVE YOU!

9.  You've done more for me than I could have ever expected.  For that I am eternally grateful.

10.  We aren't as close as we used to be, as we should be.  Regardless, I love you all the same.  Tough times will soon come to you, and I'll be here, as you have been for me.  You hurt, I hurt, right?

11.  Please don't judge me for what's happening in  my life right now.  I know you're sensitive to this.  As I said, I can't help how I feel.  You're an amazing friend and I don't want that to change.  Someday you'll understand.  I promise.

12.  You betrayed us all.  You left at a time when we needed you most.  Your effort and dedication was thrown away like an old toy.  And, to leave us for someone else?  Someone you don't know, like, or trust?  What have you done?  You can beg for forgiveness, and maybe we'll forgive, but we'll never forget.

13.  You will get caught.  And, don't expect me to feel sorry for you...I'll feel sorry for her.

14.  What have I done to create this eternal animosity between us?  I've done nothing but good things for you.  Well, get over it, and get used to me.  I'm going to be around for a LONG while.

15.  I'm sorry things turned out this way.  And I'm sorry I barged back into your life just to leave again.  I didn't mean to hurt you, not once, but twice.  I thought it was what I wanted.  I was wrong.

16.  I'm so proud of your success.  I know we had our issues, but that's what happens when people spend too much time together.  You are an amazing person...smart, talented, driven, dedicated.  You are destined for great things, even more than what you've already achieved in  the short time you've spent chasing your dreams.  Best of luck, and don't forget about me when you become famous!  I hope to see you soon.

17.  You're amazing.  I may not always show it, but I love you more than you know.  You're my savior....literally.

18.  You are more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  You do not deserve someone like her.  The next time you hurt her, I will hurt you.

19.  You are even more disgusting than the one who is more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe.  I guess you're a real man because you can beat up a woman to the point of almost killing her.  Or maybe you're a real man because you "discipline" your kids to the point where they will hardly look anyone in the eye.  You are a chauvinistic pig and deserve nothing but a life of eternal pain and suffering.

20.  I haven't met you.  I haven't touched you, smelled you, heard you, or held you.  But I already love you.

♥

Little Man

Welcome to this world, little man.

Open your eyes, open your mouth,

Let out a scream as loud as you can.

Ten tiny fingers, and ten tiny toes,

An amazing, healthy boy...just as planned.

A world full of love, joy, family and friends,

This is the place where it all began.

Learn to walk, learn to talk,

We'll lead you through life, hand-in-hand.

We'll watch you grow, we'll watch you succeed,

We'll watch you develop your master plan.

Baseball, football, soccer, track,

Whatever your choice, we're your biggest fans.

Doctor, lawyer, teacher, artist,

These are all a part of a grander plan.

Father, brother, son, friend,

Remember what's most important throughout your life span.

One more time, from me to you,

Welcome to this world, Little Man.

♥ CJH 9/02/08