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Dec. 1, 2011 - World AIDS Day

2011-12-01T12:19:00.009-05:00

Inspired by a fellow Lesotho devotee, I've decided to sit down and reflect upon the experiences that have led me to the passion and devotion I now have for the AIDS orphans of southern Africa and to helping in eradicating this deadly epidemic.

As a student of international studies and international politics, AIDS has been an area of academia that I've constantly been exposed to. However, it wasn't until this summer, when I became immersed in an AIDS environment, that I actually realized how deeply the disease affects me, even as someone who is not HIV+. Just a short recap for those of you who didn't follow me this summer, I spent 6 weeks in southern Africa as part of a Fulbright program focused on education. During this time, we traveled throughout the southern part of the continent and experienced many different peoples, cultures, traditions, economies, political structures, etc. It was an incredible experience that I will forever cherish. Although I was moved by a variety of things throughout the trip, the most emotional and profoundly affecting experiences were the times spent with those suffering from or affected by HIV/AIDS.

Throughout the preparations for the trip, and even during the first week of the trip, I mentally prepared myself for what I was about to experience. I read about AIDS, I read about Lesotho, I read about people who have spent time in the region and have been affected by the disease. I read, I read, I read. However, no amount of reading could have fully prepared me for this experience. I thought it would, but I was sorely mistaken.

I guess you could say that I was fortunate to have a gradual introduction to what life really is like for those affected by AIDS. Our first week in Lesotho was spent in Morija, where we stayed at a wonderful guest house that was also a temporary home to a lovely Canadian family who was there adopting a young girl, Rethabile. Billy, as they called her, was an AIDS orphan (meaning her parents died of AIDS, not that she has AIDS) who was left with no family and therefore sent to a large orphanage in Maseru, the capital of Lesotho. I was fortunate to build a relationship with this family and to be able to talk to them nightly about their experience. The conversation I remember most was about the orphanage in which Billy was placed. They described it in detail, painting vivd pictures of rooms full of hundreds of orphans lying on the ground because there was no funding for beds, mess halls full of bugs, kids running around with little or no clothing and no shoes at all. As I listened to their story with tears in my eyes, I looked over at little Billy and made a personal vow to do everything I could to help children like her. Although this was incredibly emotional, I had yet to experience AIDS first hand.

Upon our arrival in Roma, our second location in Lesotho, we were greeted by several small, friendly, happy children. Some of my fellow travelers suspected that their happiness was due to their association of white people to free stuff, but I like to believe that they are genuinely happy just to have someone to play with for a few minutes. Before even unloading our luggage from the bus, we went out to meet and spend a little time with the children. We were swarmed immediately, as kids grabbed our hands, our waists, our legs and didn't let go. They showed us their school, their community center and their homes. We skipped and ran and laughed and played. We attempted conversations that fell flat after a few sentences of broken English, but rebounded with smiles and body language. We never let go of their hands. This continued on for awhile until it was time for us to go back to our lodgings. I cried as I walked away. I cried as we unloaded and unpacked. I cried myself to sleep as I laid in my comfortable bed with a full stomach, a pillow under my head and a heater on full blast. I cried for the kids who have so little, who are so sick, who have lost their family to AIDS, who are so happy and continue to smile, laugh and play despite the circumstances. Nothing I read prepared me for those emotions.

The rest of our time in Roma was spent in the local school and community centers where we played with and taught hundreds of kids, many who have physical signs of AIDS. In fact, one of my favorite kids was clearly HIV+. There were hundreds of kids like her, but for some reason, she became mine. Everyday she would find me and welcome me with a smile and a hug and a sweet greeting in her best English. At the end of the day, she would proudly show me things she made or toys she brought with her. On our last day working with the kids, my girl and I said our final goodbye and handed each other a small token to remember the other by. Due to the language barrier I never heard her story, and that makes me sad to this day. I cherish the time spent with her....the games played, the lessons taught and of course the dancing. Maybe someday I'll see her again, but for now, I can only look at the small rock she gave me, think of her often and hope that she's doing well.

On one of our final days in Roma, we were lucky enough to have a visit from an HIV+ woman named Daphne. Daphne talked with us at length about how AIDS has affected her and how it affects the community in general. She described the stigmas associated with the disease and how she dealt with them. She told us about how it affected her physically, mentally and emotionally. How it has affected her family, her husband, her children, her reputation, her employment status. She shared her entire experience with us...complete strangers. I learned so much from her, not only about the disease itself, but about personal strength, the importance of family and the role of AIDS in Lesotho.

These experiences are responsible for who I am now and what I plan to do in the future. This is when I realized that I can no longer associate AIDS with statistics and graphs. Instead, I now think of people....real people with real struggles and real lives. Real people who need our help. Some of you may be wondering about that vow I made when learning about Billy's struggle. In a nutshell, I've vowed to help in a variety of ways, including fundraising, returning to Lesotho to volunteer, working with organizations focused on the issue and (eventually) adopting my very own Billy.

My inspirational Lesotho devotee said the following in his blog and I couldn't have said it better myself.

"It saddens me that the one day Lesotho is recognized and talked about is on World AIDS Day. It is a country of such rich history, culture and beauty. But my hope is that after people hear about the AIDS epidemic in Lesotho, they are moved to take action. The possibility of hope, as daunting as it may seem, is possible in Lesotho. For us, every day should be World AIDS Day until this deadly disease is wiped off our planet."

I'm devoted to change, and I hope that you are too.

No photos. Just words.

2011-08-09T19:18:00.001-04:00

A 14-hour drive to Cape Town illustrated by words.....

-Smooth sailing, making good time. Sun shining through the glass, air flowing through the slightly cracked windows. A sudden jolt, slowing from 80 kph to 0. Peer out the window to assess the situation and am greeted by a baboon, which so unintelligently ran out in front of us. How many people can say that?! And no, we didn't hit it.

-Squatter township nestled in the mountains: shacks made of brightly colored corrugated tin, cinder blocks, shredded tires and splintered wood. Children in school uniforms, backpacks on backs, shoes holed and untied, walking through the dirt, kicking rocks and leaving trails of dust. Not a care in the world except for how far the kicked rock shall go.

-Field upon field of grapes which will soon become some of the world's best wine. Imagine stretches of green and brown vines, as far as the eye can see, climbing and curling around miles of trellis. The rows full of yellow flowers and dark workers, blanket around shoulders, basket on hip, collecting the gems that will become their liquid gold.

-Magnificent jagged mountains reaching higher than the bus window would allow my sight. Some capped with beautiful white snow, reminiscent of giant cupcakes in the distance. Huge, white boulders piercing the sides of the mountains, creating a climber's paradise. Where there weren't boulders, there were plants, splatters of green, purple, yellow and orange, creating a colorful palette of aesthetic perfection. Miles later, viewing the mountains from a distance I see patches of black, which I imagine to be caves, housing a collection of animals and perhaps a mountain village or two. Also patches of red, which I imagine to be boulders stained by years of rain, dirt and erosion. Finally, patches of white, which can only be jagged boulders or fresh snow, or perhaps both. Back on the mountain road, surrounded by nature's skyscrapers. Boulders over my head, ready to drop at any given moment. Lines, like those of notebook paper, run through the mountain, marking separation between types of stone and layers of sediment. The hours slowly pass as I gaze up, up, up...

-First glimpse of Table Mountain, the monumental landscape Cape Town is famously known for. A hazy, cloudy sky hovers over the mountain; the Table Cloth, as the locals call it. Excitement at our arrival, amazement at the sight. Small in the distance, giant, beautiful, bold at the base. The feeling of safety and protection, comfort and home. A mix of sadness and joy for the upcoming days, the final phase of the trip...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bloemfontein to Cape Town, South Africa.

Harrismith, Kimberley and Bloemfontein...Oh My!!

2011-08-04T18:56:00.001-04:00

Back in the real world...or as real as it gets in Africa, I guess. It's quite a change from Lesotho in many ways, primarily because of the availability of Internet, restaurants and English speaking human beings. I've yet to figure out if these are good things, though. I'm still stuck in Lesotho mentally and emotionally, and I have a feeling I'll be stuck there for quite awhile.

The drive from Lesotho to Harrismith was lovely, as we watched the mountains disappear and the plains appear. On the way, we stopped for lunch in a little town called Clarens, and holy crap, was it a culture shock. The town was full of white skin, high end shops, art galleries and independently owned eateries. I'm not denying the fact that I enjoyed a delicious beer and smoked sausage lunch at the local German restaurant, but it was definitely very strange coming from a place that has so little and being thrown into a place that clearly has so much. After leaving Clarens, we made our way through magnificent Golden Gate Park, one of South Africa's most incredible national parks and wildlife sanctuaries. This park was incredible, and fortunately was the route we took to most of our destinations during our stay in Harrismith. Throughout our travels in the park, we not only saw the most amazing night sky complete with a stunning harvest moon, but also a collection of African animals including zebra, kudu, baboons, eland, warthog, meerkat, wildebeest, secretary birds and many types of bok.

Our lodging in Harrismith was situated smackdab in the middle of what could be considered a truck stop or rest area. It was an interesting area, with our small, Mountain View Inn hotel nestled in a plaza full of random restaurants, shops and gas stations, most of which closed before 5:00 pm. Needless to say, it wasn't the most exciting place we stayed, but fortunately our packed schedule balanced out the lack of excitement in our lodging. We spent two days exploring two ancient sacred sites a few hours from Harrismith. These beautiful sites are home to pilgrims who have been chosen by their deity to make the journey to the site and remain there until they have fulfilled their religious duties. Furthermore, people travel to these sites for various other reasons, such as spiritual cleansing, to be cured of an ailment, to be blessed with a child, etc. Visiting these sites was extremely voyeuristic and at times uncomfortable, but we were welcomed by the shamans, medicine men and healers we met and were even invited to take place in a ritual in which we made sacrifices of spices, alcohol and bread, sang, danced and read passages from religious texts. It was a surreal experience that left me with many questions and uneasy feelings.

While in Harrismith, we visited two very different schools. The first, Harriston Private School, was small, very expensive, diverse, beautiful and full of brilliant students and teachers. The second, Tshibollo Secondary School, was a township school (think Soweto), very poor, free to township students, not diverse (it was all black), run down and overcrowded (approximately 60 students per class). It was interesting (and emotionally draining) to see such stark differences between the two schools that are so close geographically, yet worlds apart financially and academically.

After six days in Harrismith, we traveled to Kimberley for a two day visit to the capital of the Northern Cape and the city that was once recognized as the throne of wealth of South Africa. In 1866, the first of Kimberley's diamonds was found and it didn't take long for a diamond rush to occur. In 1888, Cecil Rhodes founded the DeBeers Diamond Company (ever heard of DeBeers Jewelers??), and so began the diamond monopoly. Our first day in Kimberley included a visit to The Big Hole, which is the site of the largest DeBeers diamond mine, which has been closed down and is now a diamond museum and historical location. The hole itself is stunning, with cliffs diving into a bright green mineral lake. We spent the day here gawking at the beautiful hole, exploring the underground mine shafts, buying jewels for significant others and enjoying adult beverages and snacks in the sun.

Our second day in Kimberley was very busy, yet very rewarding. The morning and early afternoon was spent exploring various sites of ancient rock engravings and rock paintings. We were led by two wonderful guides who were very knowledgeable in geography, history and culture and were therefore able to teach us much about these topics. The afternoon was spent touring the Kimberley Art Museum with yet another wonderful and brilliant guide. It was a beautiful day full of beautiful art.

Next up, Bloemfontein, where we stayed at a game lodge that was home to giraffe, llama, alligator and many, many springbok. Our time in Bloemfontein was quite long and again quite busy, with visits to the Oliewenhuis Art Musuem and the Eunice Girls School, a walking tour of Bloemfontein led by an incredibly energetic (some might even say insane) historical architecture scholar, a night out in the 2nd Street District, a visit to a local animal refuge where we interacted with cheetahs, leopards, lions, wolves and servals and got to pet lion cubs and caracals, a trip to the movie theater to see the film, The Bang Bang Club, a visit to the National Museum and the University of the Free State, a visit to a children's art center and quite a few lectures on politics, apartheid, etc. As I said, a very busy and very long schedule.

My trip is coming to an end....but the best has been saved for last, as I'm now on my way to one of the most incredible cities in the world, CAPE TOWN!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Random cities, South Africa

Lesotho Part 2: Roma

2011-07-20T10:39:00.001-04:00

Roma is a magical place, combining the hustle and bustle of a 3rd world city with the peacefulness of a mountain village. It was interesting to experience the juxtaposition of these atmospheres by simply walking a couple of blocks down the street. I was fortunate to experience this more so than some of the other teachers traveling with me because of the locations in which I was assigned to work. My mornings consisted of teaching in the primary school in the village, while my afternoons were spent working at a community center in town. I learned so much through this teaching experience, both about myself and the community in which I taught. It was an invaluable experience that has affected me deeply.

Now for what most of you have been waiting for....details about my time with the children. As I said, my mornings in Roma were spent at a primary school in the village. We started the days by walking the half mile or so to the school, where each group spent the mornings with a different grade level (5th, 6th and 7th grades). It was interesting dealing with students of a different culture and educational background. There were some challenges, such as language barriers, extremely large class sizes (70ish per class), lack of electricity and encouraging students to move away from their traditional roles as listeners and toward our expectations of active learners. Despite these challenges however, the children were incredibly well behaved, respectful and intelligent. Although we weren't able to spend as much time with the students as we would've liked, we had a lot of fun teaching, dancing and playing with the students.

At the end of each morning at school, we returned to our guest house for a quick lunch and to change clothes, then drove the 10 minutes through the city to the community center on the other side of town. The community center in which I worked was called Bana Pele, which is Sesotho for Children First. Bana Pele is a shelter and center for AIDS orphans and was founded by the wife of the former Prime Minister of Lesotho, who spent her career as a pediatrician and now spends her time running the center and finding sources of funding for the center and the orphans who are a part of the center. The services this center offers are incredible, despite the economic hardships, lack of adequate facilities and the emotional distress that plague the director and volunteers.

Now, on to what I did there. In preparation for the trip, my partner and I prepared activities for 9 hours of work with approximately 40 children between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately, as I've learned throughout my trip, things in Africa very rarely occur as planned. As the bus pulled up to the center on the first day, we were greeted not only by chaos, but also by approximately 400 children. A collective gasp, followed by some cursing and laughter echoed through the bus. After nearly an hour of trying to organize the children into age groups and figure out where to work with the masses, my partner and I took about 200 kids (all between 2-7) to a little barn where we taught them colors (in English) and led them in a coloring activity. Although the day was chaotic and pretty freaking stressful, the kids had so much fun, received some love and were fed, all of which are more important than anything.

The rest of the time at the center was quite different for me, as I was moved from the group of little ones and put into the position of dance teacher, which obviously was ok with me. I was then responsible for probably 100 kids between the ages of 7 and 15, all of whom I fell in love with. We had so much fun playing follow the dance leader, having dance circles and dance offs and learning an actual hip hop routine. Honestly, it was a blast. And let me tell you, those kids can dance!

Although I was assigned to Bana Pele, I briefly visited Leratong, the community center that is sponsored largely by Wittenberg and the center in which the other half of my fellow teachers spent their afternoons. The center has been decorated beautifully by Wittenberg students and, of course they left their mark by hanging flags and donating tshirts. It brought a smile to my face to see a connection to home in such a far away place.

Although we worked a lot while in Roma, it wasn't all work and no play. We had some free time to have a little fun, and we took advantage of that as much as possible. During our time in Roma, we celebrated the birthday of one of my fellow teachers by creating funny cards and posters, spoiling her with lavish gifts of booze and candy and having an evening bonfire complete with South African s'mores.

We had an opportunity to spend a wonderful day with some local artists. One was a traditional dressmaker, another was an artist who uses natural resources to create beautiful pieces based on historical events and another was an artist who uses recycled materials (mostly car parts) to create African themed art (mainly masks and animals). I immediately fell in love with an African mask and managed to beat out several of my travel partners in buying it. Although you can probably buy a similar mask online or at a store somewhere, there's something about buying it directly from a struggling artist that makes it so incredibly special.

We also had some local musicians visit us that day. They provided us with wonderful music, to which I clearly had to dance. Fortunately, I was able to drag several others onto the dance floor with me, so I wasn't the only one to make a fool of herself.

While in Roma, we had the honor of meeting the King of Lesotho. He spent about an hour with us, discussing our travels, our project, his role as king and his upcoming birthday celebrations. We had many questions for him, and he for us. We ended our time with him with tea, cake and a group picture, which unfortunately I don't have because we were only allowed to bring one camera into the meeting. Although the King is primarily viewed as a figurehead rather than a political leader, like the Queen of England, it was an honor to meet him and discuss his beautiful country with him.

My final night in Lesotho brought something of such great interest to me, and perhaps to some of you. While in Roma, we stayed at the Roma Guest House, which is owned and operated by a wonderful woman by the name of Jenny. Jenny not only provides jobs at the guest house for many locals, but also has created a trading post for locals to sell their goods, is on the board of the Leratong Community Center, organizes funding, housing and care for AIDS orphans and helps many locals with personal issues such as transportation, education, finances, etc. The final night, Jenny sat down with our group and explained her role in the community and told us ways in which we can help. She also brought in a woman living with AIDS who shared her story with us. She told us about the shame, the sickness, the medical care, her family and their reaction, everything she's experienced since receiving positive test results. This may seem insignificant to some, but when dealing with a country that has a 35% HIV infection rate, the highest in the world, Jenny's work and Daphne's story are very significant. I've pledged to help in any way possible and perhaps you will too. There are hundreds of AIDS orphans in Roma alone that Jenny works to support. They are in need of school supplies, clothing, money for food and housing and sponsors who will help pay school fees. An American dollar goes a very long way, so any little bit can and will help someone. If you're interested in helping, please let me know and I can send you more information.

As I said in my first Lesotho post, I'm still processing all that I experienced in Lesotho and trying to figure out how to express my feelings in a logical, understandable way. I'm constantly struggling with new emotions and thoughts while reflecting on my experience, so the formation of a reflective blog is a slow, ongoing process. I have things to think about, people to talk with and decisions to make before posting something so personal. So until I formulate something that I'm comfortable sharing with the world, I hope my descriptions of my time in Lesotho will suffice. I also hope that through the posts you've read thus far, you can realize the meaning of my travels, the importance of my experiences with the children and the beauty of the people I've encountered.

P.S. Just a little update about our situation with Owen, our driver...apparently he was not able to renew his license in Lesotho after all. The morning we left Lesotho we were informed that Owen was no longer able to be with us and that we would have a new driver from Lesotho who would escort us to Harrismith then a new driver from Owen's company would join us upon arrival in Harrismith. Well, the Lesotho driver joined us shortly before leaving Roma, but come to find out his license was also expired. So here we are with two illegal drivers. We had no other choice but to depart with crossed fingers with Owen as driver. We all held our breaths as Owen passed through security once again at the Lesotho-South African border. Fortunately the trip posed no problems. Our new driver, Robbie (or Roberto, as I choose to call him), greeted us in Harrismith and has been with us the past few days. Owen was an excellent guide and he will be missed, but so far Roberto has proven himself worthy.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Roma, Lesotho

Lesotho Part 1: Morija

2011-07-17T07:39:00.001-04:00

If someone asked me to describe my time in Morija in one word, I would choose idyllic. Everything was amazing...from the cozy location to the majestic views to the wonderful people and the incredible activities. I obviously can't share everything with you on here, as we simply experienced too much to write about, however I will share with you the things that were most special and meaningful to my life, views and thoughts about the world.

July 1st was a day of travel from Johannesburg to Morija. This was an international trip, therefore we had to cross a border to get into Lesotho. The South African side of the border was nice and calm and caused no problems for us. The Lesotho side was a different story, however. First, it was insanely busy, as it was Friday afternoon so all of the Basotho who work in South Africa during the week were returning to their families in Lesotho for the weekend. It was chaotic, disorganized and the meaning of "line" was virtually nonexistent. After trying to be polite Americans and waiting in a line for our turn, we soon realized it wasn't going to work, so we followed the example of the natives and began pushing and shoving our way to the front of the line. After nearly an hour of chaos, we all made it through the checkpoint and back to the bus. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. As we were pulling away from the border, a group of police motioned us to pull over during a random vehicle checkpoint. Everything was fine until they asked for Owen's (our driver) driving license. After reviewing it for a minute, they asked Owen to step out of the vehicle and began questioning him. Inside the bus, we had no idea what was happening and were therefore quietly freaking out, as we were a group of white "rich" Americans sitting on a bus in an area of extreme poverty and violence surrounded by men peering in the windows, women yelling at us and police officers with guns harassing our driver. After a few minutes, Mark, our leader, informed us that Owen's bus license had expired and they were getting ready to take him to jail. Cue more freaking out. To make this long story a bit shorter, Mark saved the day by contacting our representative in Lesotho who has extreme pull in all things occurring in Lesotho. She spoke with the border patrol officers and convinced them to let Owen go on the grounds that she would immediately have a new license sent in from South Africa. It must be nice to be friends with the King!

We finally arrived at our guest house in Morija after 10 hours of driving. Morija wasn't a town, as I had expected, but rather a village consisting of probably 7 buildings for public use and several houses, all made of scrap wood, tin, tarps, straw and mud. The guest house was situated on the edge of the mountain, above the village and required a 10 minute drive on an extremely bumpy mountain "road" to get to. Upon arrival, it immediately felt like home. The house itself was lovely and extremely welcoming, as it was previously the owner's home. The staff was very friendly and welcomed us warmly. Although it was cold outside, it was warm and cozy inside, primarily because of the fireplace, but also because of the friendly environment and wonderful people in my group (and, of course, the house dog, Mosley).

The mountain on which the house was situated provided us with several opportunities to explore. The first day, we hiked up to an area with fossilized dinosaur footprints and a natural fireplace and chimney used by locals to perform various rituals. We were joined by a wonderful Canadian family who was also staying at the guest house during their time in Lesotho while adopting a young orphan. This family has affected me greatly...you will read more about this in a later post. After the hike, we went horseback riding through the mountains, which cost us a little more money, but was worth it as the money went to the owners of the horses, providing them with a little extra money to support their families. We ended the day with a walk through the village and a visit to the home of a local family.

The following day was incredible, yet exhausting. We spent most of the daylight hours hiking to the very top of the mountain, where we found a remote village, ate lunch on a cliff overlooking the mountains of Morija and heard stories of history and tradition. The hike up was intense and made me realize how out of shape I am. The hike down was awesome, as it resulted in the formation of Team JEG (John, Erica, Genevieve), the slowpokes who had a very difficult time walking but a whole hell of a lot of fun! We ended the day with a traditional song and dance performance by local children.

A few additional tidbits of excitement...
-Sesotho language lessons given by Bridgitte, the owner of the guest house
-Visits to schools and the National Curriculum Development Center to learn about Lesotho's education system
-Visit to a Chinese textile factory that could be considered a sweatshop (thumbs down) but employs MANY Basotho (thumbs up)
- Visit to the U.S. Embassy, which is included in the list of my favorite parts of the trip
-Visit to the Morija Museum where we learned about the history and culture of the Basotho
-Visit to traditional weavers, where I bought a small African weaving to go in my future child's nursery

-Magnificent views of the stars and Milky Way, which of course included a night photography session

-Visit to a local village where we saw demonstrations of mud thatching of houses and pottery making...and of course played with kids

-Hike to the top of Thaba Bosiu, the mountain on which the Kingdom of Lesotho was formed under the leadership of King Moshoeshoe

Our last day in Morija was one of the best days of the trip thus far. We visited Lesotho Teacher's College, the only teachers college in Lesotho. The visit started with a Q&A session with various professors, deans, etc., which, honestly, was quite boring. After, they told us to come outside, as some of the students wanted to share their work with us. They led us outside and into a crowd of people. Just as we were all wondering what was happening, we were led onto a stage surrounded by probably 400 students, all of whom were cheering and waving. The work they wanted to share with us was actually traditional instrument playing, dancing, singing and welcome speeches. It was so wonderful to be greeted in such a friendly manner and we felt so incredibly special to be included in their traditional ceremonies. Many of us cried, mostly from joy but also from sheer awe and amazement at the beauty of these wonderful people and their customs. It was an incredibly moving experience and will forever be a piece of me.

One final note about my time in Morija. This is the place where I formed some lasting friendships. The 14 people in my group all stayed in the same house, shared 3 bathrooms and gathered nightly by the fireplace, which allowed for bonding, stories and laughter. I'm fortunate to be a part of this wonderful group and to now consider these amazing people my friends.

The beauty of the people and the land of Morija have left a footprint in my heart. My final Lesotho post will be reflective, rather than factual in nature and will be posted whenever I feel comfortable with the way I have organized and collected my thoughts and feelings on paper. Whether that be tomorrow or a month from now, I hope you will read it and be able to at least feel a small piece of the wonder and magic of Lesotho and the impact this experience has had on my life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Morija, Lesotho

Joburg...cont'd....and ended...

2011-06-30T17:12:00.001-04:00

I have always found it strange to talk about the weather...like there's nothing more to talk about than that which is right in front of your eyes. However, I must say that the weather has continued to be absolutely lovely (and don't worry...I have much more to say!). I have yet to see a cloud, which has been quite a bit of a change from Ohio. I'm thankful for the warm weather thus far, as I'm dreading the significantly colder weather I'll be facing for the next 2 weeks in Lesotho.

My time in Johannesburg has almost run out. I will be heading out shortly to enjoy some nightlife tonight before leaving for Lesotho bright and early tomorrow (Friday) morning. Although I'm enjoying my time immensely, I'm ready to leave Joburg and experience more of what I consider to be "traditional" Africa. I know that traditional is not a popular word, as traditions are constantly evolving and changing, but for lack of a better description, traditional Africa is what I came to see. I'm ready to be immersed in the culture of those who have resisted globalization and Westernization, those who still live off the land and those who bask in the natural beauty of their earth. I'm ready to be away from skyscrapers, malls and everything else that I can see in any U.S. city. I'm ready for Lesotho.

Most of what we've been doing in Joburg has been very touristy. Tourism is not the purpose of the trip, however we have been given these opportunities in Joburg for 2 reasons. First, it's important for us to experience the best and worst parts of South Africa in order for us to fully understand the vast gaps that continue to plague the country. Joburg certainly falls under the category of best and I'll soon be visiting the worst. Second, this area is a good place to adjust to Africa. It's very similar to any major city, but you can still "see Africa" in certain parts of the city. It's been a good transition point and has prevented us from suffering from any major culture shock.

So....on to what I've been doing. We've been VERY busy with an extremely packed schedule. My legs are very sore from all the walking, but it's free and easy exercise so I'm trying not to complain too much ;). Tuesday was a museum day. We went to The Museum of Africa, which can be described by the name itself. I saw a wonderful exhibit on political cartoons (which I will definitely use in my classroom) as well as great exhibits on the geography and geology of Africa, the use of child labor, the gay and lesbian community in South Africa and workers rights. We also visited a place called The Bus Factory, which was actually more of an art factory. It was full of art studios, art classes and even children's art workshops. It was a beautiful place full of beautiful contemporary African creations. Afterwards, we visited the Voortrekker Monument, which is the monument commemorating the arrival of the white Europeans (or, in my opinion, commemorating the domination of an entire race and culture). Because of my feelings toward the idea behind the memorial, I walked through it quickly then gathered a couple of adventurous fellow travelers and went on a little safari. We hiked through the woods and found what we were looking for....animals! Although I was bummed about not finding a zebra, I was excited to find my first wild, African animals. We found both kudu and springbok, as well as meerkats and crazy birds. That was the highlight of my day!

The Museum of Africa

The Bus Factory

The Voortrekker Monument

Kudu

Springbok

My view on the adventure

Wednesday was an emotional day. We started the day at the Apartheid Museum. For those of you who don't know what Apartheid was, let's just say it was South Africa's version of segregation and the civil rights movement on steroids. It has even been compared to the Holocaust. It was very violent, very deadly and very, very sad. The Apartheid Museum detailed Apartheid from start to finish and was very difficult to process both emotionally and mentally. The museum ended with an exhibit on Nelson Mandela, South Africa's first black president who ended Apartheid, so at least it ended on a positive note.

After the Apartheid Museum, we headed to Soweto, which is the world's largest slum. During Apartheid, all black and colored Africans were sent to Soweto (or one of the neighboring districts) in order to keep them out of the white areas. Soweto is known as the most deadly district during Apartheid, as well as the home of Nelson Mandela. Although Apartheid is over, and has been for 20 years, Soweto continues to be the place that the poorest South Africans call home. There are about 4 million people living in Soweto, which has an area of only 157 km, which comes out to about 25,000 people per km. Most Sowetans are living off of the money they make selling crafts at the market, selling drugs, committing crimes or begging white tourists for a few Rand (the South African dollar). While there are some houses in the area, most people live in shacks made of whatever scraps found, including car parts, trash bags, scrap metal and wood, etc. The ground was covered in trash, human waste and live electrical wires. Yet, nearly every person I saw had a smile on their face and opened their hearts to us white, American tourists. Words can't express the emotions I felt as the tears fell down my face while walking down the street or looking out of the bus window. So instead of trying to describe those feelings, I hope you can get a sense of my feelings through my photos.

Very, VERY difficult to process.....

Thursday, our final full day in Joburg, was an art day. We went to the Joburg Art Gallery (which is actually the city art museum) as well as a few small art galleries in the Art Main District. There was an optional discussion with an art gallery curator that I decided not to attend, and instead finished this blog and my packing. Tonight some of us are planning to check out some of Joburg's bars and nightclubs for the first, and obviously last time.

As I said, Joburg has been great, but I'm ready to move on. We have an 8 hour bus ride to Morija, Lesotho tomorrow where we will be for the next 2 weeks. We will most likely not have Internet access there, so don't expect any more blog posts for awhile, but DO expect a very large one in a few weeks :)

Peace and love from Africa.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Johannesburg, South Africa

Johannesburg....A Beacon of Light

2011-06-27T15:52:00.021-04:00

The weather here is surprisingly nice, contrary to what we were told to expect. It is so beautiful during the day, with cloudless blue skies, a bright, warm sun and temperatures in the mid-60s. Even nighttime isn't too cold...with layers and a scarf, it's perfectly comfortable. This won't be the case in a few days, however, as Lesotho is at a much higher elevation and is much, much colder. No need to worry about that at the moment, though....

Today we visited the Constitutional Court and Old Fort Prison in Johannesburg. The Constitutional Court isn't really comparable to a court in the U.S., but the best way to describe it is that it's a federal court that deals with issues of social and human rights only. For example, some of the cases they cover deal with discrimination, freedom of the press and racial issues. The Court was created in the late 1990s at the end of the Apartheid era and embodies all of the things Nelson Mandela envisioned for the future. Everything from the architecture to the decor to the art exhibit has deep meaning and is representative of South Africa in some way. We were given a tour of this majestic building by 3 young interns and it was probably the best tour I've ever been on. They were so detailed not only in their descriptions of the operations of the Court and the building itself, but also in their discussions of the symbolism behind everything we saw and the representation of hope for post-Apartheid South Africa. It was a truly incredible and emotional experience and I even shed my first tear of the trip.

After the tour of the court, we had lunch at a little outdoor cafe on the grounds. We sat outside and enjoyed the warmth of the sun along with our food and Cokes. Later in the day, we found out that the exact place where we were sitting during lunch used to be home to the "Lashing Area" when the prison was operational. In other words, we were sitting where they used to lash prisoners for misbehavior or interrogation purposes. Many even died under the lashes, right where our feet we resting. I'm glad we found that out AFTER eating...

We finished up there with a short tour of part of the Old Fort Prison, which surrounds the Constitutional Court and acts as a reminder of everything South Africa never wants to experience again. We unfortunately didn't get to see Nelson Mandela's cell because they were closing, but we did get to see bunkers, food areas, bath areas and other small places that were used for torture and abuse. More emotions were stirred and tears were shed. The abuse and humiliation suffered by non-whites during Apartheid was so cruel and unforgivable, and to think that this was occurring less than 20 years ago is sickening. From what I can tell so far, South Africa has come a long way in the post-Apartheid era, however there is still much work to be done to combat racial inequality and the economic disparities between whites and non-whites. Expect to hear much more about this throughout my trip, as this will be a large part of my research and writing.

Here are just a few of the photos I took today. Some will help you better understand why I experienced so many emotions today. Others will just make you jealous ;-) Enjoy!

Beautiful beaded South African flag created by Zulu tribal women and donated to the Constitutional Court.

Our first meal as a group...even though there were only half of us present at the time because the rest had yet to make it to South Africa.

Followed by a discovery of what that area used to be.

A wooden sculpture in the Constitutional art exhibit that depicts an occurrence of torture during apartheid.

Images of the Old Fort Prison and Building Number 4. This prison was designed to hold 975 people. It actually held nearly 3,000, most of whom were subject to torture and inhumane treatment.

These 2 structures are 2 of the original staircases in the prison. When Mandela named this area as the home of the new Constitutional Court at the end of Apartheid, architects decided to maintain these staircases in the center of the square and add towers of glass-encased lights that can be seen from all of Johannesburg. This is what is now seen as Mandela's beacon of light, which represents hope for a new South Africa.

Drinking our first South African beer. This was immediately followed by our first South African burger. Those who say S. African beef is the best are SO right.

My first snack stash....sweet, salty and alcoholic :)

Location:Johannesburg, South Africa

The Journey Begins

2011-06-26T12:57:00.003-04:00

For now, this will be a brief post, as I'm limited to Internet time at the moment. I'm currently sitting at a little cafe in the Johannesburg airport waiting on a few other people to arrive. Things are a little hectic, as about half of our group, including the 2 guides/professors will not be here until tomorrow afternoon due to a flight cancelation. So, for now, there are 3 of us waiting on 2 more to arrive, then we will figure out as a group what to do from here. We're an intelligent group....we'll figure it out.

My flights were simple, uneventful and long. I departed Dayton at 4:00 pm Saturday the 25th. I had the joy of spending my last few hours in America with Rob, Mom, Greg, Autumn and Kenners. It's amazing how much I love those people. Anyway, I had a quick layover in Atlanta, allowing me only enough time to find my gate, get my passport verified and buy a bag of pretzels and a bottle of tea.

The flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg was 16 hours....not quite as long as I expected, but still long. I enjoyed a complimentary glass of wine, a few decent meals, a couple episodes of Glee and a surprisingly large amount of sleep. By the end, my hips and knees were in a lot of pain and my ankles and feet were swollen, but my excitement was growing and all was right with the world.

I didn't have a window seat, but I was fortunate to catch a glimpse of the South African landscape during the descent. It was beautiful....flat until the very last stretch of sight where I could see mountains jutting into the clouds. Clusters of red, brown and black earth with splatters of green trees and blue waters. Brightly colored houses and buildings created an almost surreal image as bright greens, blues, yellows and reds were scattered throughout like a paint covered palette. After making my our way through customs (which was impossibly easy) we were greeted with a majestic sunset. I was unable to capture these images with Badu (my camera), but the mental image will be enough for now.

More details will come soon, as I'm running out of time here at the cafe. More to come later...

For Curious Minds: Africa Bound

2011-06-16T12:51:00.003-04:00

So, in precisely 9 days, I will be setting off to the continent of elephants, giraffes and big cats. The continent of struggle, war, poverty, hunger and disease. The continent that I have spent my life learning, loving and dreaming about. AFRICA.

In January, I mindlessly applied for a world renowned Fulbright-Hays scholarship focused on education in South Africa and Lesotho. Mindlessly is the wrong word, as the application process was quite demanding, however I applied with little faith in the possibility of actually being accepted. After nearly six weeks of waiting (not so) patiently, I finally received an invitation to participate in the program. Obviously, my response was a big, fat YES!

Many of you may not know what a Fulbright scholarship is. Let me explain. The Fulbright program was created in 1946 by U.S. Senator J. William Fulbright. The purpose of the program was/is to encourage understanding of the world through the creation of international relationships between teachers, artists, scientists and scholars of the U.S. and other countries. Since its creation, only 300,000 people worldwide have been awarded a Fulbright award, many of whom have gone on to receive Nobel and Pulitzer awards. Being a Fulbright scholar is a great honor, and yeah, I'll say it, I'm damn proud of it.

I've been asked many questions about the trip, the program, etc. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions, and the answers to those questions...

Where will you be going? I'll be spending the majority of my time in South Africa and Lesotho, with a visit to the African Free State as well.

When and for how long? I leave June 25th and will be back August 1, so five and a half weeks.

Who was chosen and how was it decided? There were 12 U.S. teachers chosen....6 social studies teachers and 6 art teachers. We were chosen based on our applications, essays and potential to implement an African Studies course or unit at our schools.

What exactly will you be doing? The purpose of the trip is to create a curriculum that includes lessons, units and articles for publication on teaching African history and art here in the U.S. Therefore, much of our time will be spent researching, writing and creating this project for the U.S. Department of Education. We will also teach in 2 different schools, spend time in AIDS orphanages, visit museums and embassies, attend lectures and do all of the fun stuff like go on a safari, climb a mountain, visit Robben Island, go whale watching, etc.

How is it funded? Representatives of the University of Toledo (the sponsoring university) have spent the last two years writing grants for the funding of this particular program. The representatives were awarded $150,000 ($80,000 from the U.S. Department of Ed and $70,000 from the University itself), which was enough to cover the cost of the entire trip for 14 people (12 teachers, 2 professors/leaders). We had to put a small deposit down when we accepted the invitation, but other than that, the only money I need is personal spending money.

What have you been doing to prepare for your trip? My life has changed significantly since the day I accepted the invitation to participate.. My main focus for the past 4 months has been Africa. I have spent countless hours reading, writing and discussing articles and books. I have studied everything from the history to the politics to the art to the language of South Africa and Lesotho. I have spent countless more hours shopping for necessities for the trip. I always surprise people when I say this, but it will be winter in Africa while I'm there (the whole southern hemisphere thing throws people off). While it doesn't get quite as cold as it does here, you must remember that I will be in the southernmost part of Africa, furthest from the equator and at a very high elevation. Also, electricity will be scarce in some areas, leaving us with little heat and ability to dry our clothes after washing them. So, shopping for warm clothes that dry quickly has been a challenge, and has taken up quite a bit of my extra time (and extra money). I also have spent time making a list of and shopping for the "little things" I'll need on the trip....you know, Pepto, Motrin, sunscreen, things to clean my hair and body without taking a shower, etc. Fortunately, I have not had to get any shots (I hate needles!), because the region where I'll be is not a malarial area.

What will happen after the trip? My work with the program will continue after the trip is over. We will work on the project individually and virtually as a group until October, when we will submit the final curriculum to the U.S. Department of Education. I also plan to continue this work in my own classroom (assuming I get a job) and further it even more by presenting at various educational conferences. Who knows, this may turn into something I will continue for the rest of my life. I can easily see myself becoming very involved in the area, the schools and the materials and letting these things guide my future experiences.

I've been fortunate to have experienced as much of the world as I have, but this truly is an experience of a lifetime. I hope you will follow me on my journey, as I plan to post frequently (as much as possible with limited Internet access, anyway). If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. I hope you all have a wonderful summer and I'll be thinking of you from the other side of the world.

Peace, love and Africa ;-)

Waiting For Superman

2010-07-23T14:58:00.002-04:00

If we could spread the word.

If we could provide ALL children with an adequate education.

If we could make ALL teachers effective teachers.

We could make a difference.

I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

To new beginnings....

2010-06-25T14:41:00.010-04:00

June 25, 2010

Change. A time and place where a feeling of unease meets excitement. A period in one's life that requires a choice, a decision to be made. A time and place in my life as of now.

The continuous rock in my life is gone. The person who is forever dependable, always reliable, and forever grateful for who I am as a person and a friend. Gone to the land of palms, lizards, and Latinos. Gone to create change in her world, therefore creating a parallel change in mine. In reality, she's still here, always will be. However, as I age, I am coming to appreciate the value of dates, gatherings, and the company of best friends. I'm coming to realize that technology, while an amazing development, does not make up for the time and distance between two people as close as she and I. I said, "Call anytime. Text. Facebook. Whatever." But, is that enough? Will it be enough? Will cellphones and Facebook suffice at a time when one of us so desperately needs the other? Tears cloud my vision as I step out of her car and into the airport, as I board the plane, as I write this note. Tears at a time and place where unease meets excitement. Excitement for the new life awaiting her arrival. Excitement for her change.

Personal change. Leaving behind the dance world that has been a home, a constant companion of mine for nearly my entire life. Heading into the world of the unknown. A world of change. In career, in location, in habits, schedules, friends; everything I've so comfortably been surrounded by since my return from the West. The present marks a new stage in my life. A developmental stage that will take me from student to teacher, friend to mentor, lover to companion. A stage that has yet to acquire a time or a place. Where I will live, where I will work, where my soul will find peace, and where my love will land is yet to be determined. These are frightening thoughts. But, this unease is met with excitement, because this is change.

As stated by the fabulous Eleanor Roosevelt, "The future belongs to those who believe in the power of their dreams." Kim is chasing the dream that I first learned of at the age of 12. Her future belongs to her. And, while I am faced with an uncertain future, I know that whatever it brings will belong to me. Simply because I believe in my dreams.

Lost in Love.

2010-01-12T15:37:00.007-05:00

It’s like a dream

in which

it seems

your world is spinning

faster, faster.

The force within

grabs hold

and blankets you

together.

Lost in love,

you beg

to never let go.

Pure desire.

Hearts race faster.

The sight,

the smell,

the sound,

the taste.

Fingers intertwine,

face-to-face.

Lost in love,

you beg

to never let go.

Thoughts race

of forever together.

Two worlds collide,

joining as one.

Shooting stars

within your heart,

all because they opened it.

Lost in love,

you beg,

to never let go.

Motivation for your soul.

2010-01-11T16:44:00.005-05:00

January 11, 2010

This post comes at a time when doubts, depression, and dissidence is consuming the very society of which we are a part. No longer are we spectators, sitting back and observing those "savages" in faraway lands. We are witnessing death and destruction in our own backyards, and now, as young adults carrying the responsibility of curing the ills of our planet, we must act immediately. If this speech doesn't inspire you to do so, I'm not sure that anything will.

Healing or Stealing

... you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation... but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement. Basically, civilization needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

This planet came with a set of instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don’t poison the water, soil, or air, don’t let the earth get overcrowded, and don’t touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food—but all that is changing.

There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: You are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring. The earth couldn’t afford to send recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren’t pessimistic, you don’t understand the data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren’t optimistic, you haven’t got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote, “So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.” There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refugee camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen. Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. “One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world.

Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown — Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood — and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, non-governmental organizations, and companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history.

The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. We are the only species on the planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time rather than renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can’t print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. And dreams come true. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe, which is exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a “little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven.”

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. You can feel it. It is called life. This is who you are. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. Our innate nature is to create the conditions that are conducive to life. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television.

This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn’t stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn’t ask for a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hope only makes sense when it doesn’t make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it.

**This was an exceptionally inspiring commencement address given by Paul Hawken at the University of Portland, 2009.

31 Days of Giving

2009-12-15T15:54:00.005-05:00

Even the poorest of the poor can afford to partake in at least one of these selfless acts.

1. Help get PJs to kids in shelters so they won't have to sleep in their clothes by giving just $10 at pajamaprogram.org.

2. Mentor a struggling student online at icouldbe.org. Studies suggest that a little boost can double a kid's chance of going to college.

3. Donate books you've already read to your library. Most public libraries accept them.

4. End homelessness through soccer. $10 to streetsoccerusa.org helps a homeless person meet challenges on and off the field.

5. Fight malnutrition. A $1 gift to vitaminangels.org will provide much-needed vitamin supplements to children in places like Honduras, Haiti, and even poor areas in the U.S.

6. Tend a garden. $5 to dinnergarden.org buys seeds for enough veggies to feed a struggling family of seven.

7. Do some pro bono work. Whether you're in marketing or IT, taprootfoundation.org can match you with a non-profit in your community that needs your skills.

8. Get lifesaving malaria medication to 10 children by donating $25 to savethechildren.org.

9. Click and give... At care2.org, every click you make prompts a sponsor to make a donation that will fight breast cancer, global warming, and more.

10. ....or surf and give. Use GoodSearch to find what you're looking for online, and every search will send money to a cause of your choice.

11. Regift. Turn gift cards you'll never use into donations to your favorite charity at plasticjungle.com.

12. Provide solar power. $50 to goodgifts.org will send an African village a solar lamp, stove and water heater.

13. Prevent disease. A $50 donation will allow doctorswithoutborders.org to vaccinate 50 people against meningitis, polio and other life-threatening diseases.

14. Send a free holiday card to a soldier abroad via redcross.org/email/saf.

15. Have a potluck with your friends instead of going out for dinner - give the $35 you save to strength.org to feed a child for a month.

16. Keep someone's lights on. Even $5 at smallcanbebig.org makes a difference to a family who needs help with bills due to illness, domestic violence or other tragedies.

17. Inspire a leader. A donation to the Binti Pamoja Center (their name means "daughters united" in Swahili) helps a girl in a Kenyan slum pay for school and learn how to be a community leader.

18. Keep girls on the team. Giving to Robin Roberts' GoGirlGo! Fund (at womenssportsfoundation.org) will help girls displaced by Hurricane Katrina stay in sports.

19. Help those helping others. $150 to homebasedcarealliance.org will supply medicine plus sterile gloves and a bicycle to a caregiver for people living with HIV in sub-Saharan Africa.

20. Reach out to the new kid. $35 buys a winter coat for a resettled refugee in the U.S. at theirc.org.

21. Feed four children in Tanzania a healthy breakfast for just $1 at gocampaign.org, a nonprofit run with the help of kids from the U.S.

22. Warm toes. $5 to hannahssocks.org buys seven pairs for a homeless person.

23. Play trivia. At freekibble.com, every answer - right or wrong - sends 10 pieces of dog food to an animal shelter in need.

24. Help women recover after childbirth. Fistulafoundation.org helps train doctors to care for the 2 to 3 million women who have injuries from prolonged or obstructed labor.

25. Stock a refrigerator. Just $1 to feedingamerica.org will provide nine pounds of groceries to a hungry family in the U.S.

26. Knit. Send squares to warmupamerica.org; they'll be made into afghans and given to battered women's shelters.

27. Give peace to survivors of sexual trauma. $47 to the International Medical Corps (imcworldwide.org) delivers medical and mental health care to refugees who have suffered sexual violence.

28. Turn your wedding into a charitable event. At idofoundation.org, you can link your registry to your favorite cause. Each purchase triggers a donation from the retailer.

29. Starve a landfill. Make this a "no wrapping paper" year - use newspapers, even the pages of this magazine, instead.

30. Keep a woman safe. At madre.org, $30 buys a cell phone for a rural Afghan woman; if threatened with violence, she can make a lifesaving call.

31. Give the gift of opportunity. At worldvisionmicro.org, you can make a microloan to help a woman in a developing country get her own small business up and running.

Where My Heart Lies

2009-12-02T18:56:00.004-05:00

"This is the land of the Big Deal, of pay or play, of millions one year and bankruptcy the next, of meetings, meetings, meetings (interrupted by an occasional movie), of much talk and very little action, of hustle and hassle, greed and guile."

And this is the land where my heart lies.

Fleeting Memories

2009-11-26T00:10:00.005-05:00

November 26, 2009

Fleeting memories in a dream

A world of restless slumber

Darkness consumes my every breath

Around it wraps its deathly grip

Bony fingers in the dead of night

Squeezing

Holding

Tighter and tighter

Screams escape my mouth

Muffled by suffocation

Tears blind

Flesh bruised

Toss and turn and thrash

Tormented and bewildered

Open my eyes to realize

The hallucination has escaped

Struggle to shake it

The torturous feeling

Of death’s untimely grip

Sleep beckons once again

Fleeting memories in a dream

A world of peaceful slumber.

Oh, my sweet Darfur. Is it all "over?"

2009-09-01T11:46:00.004-04:00

9/01/09

The departing Force Commander of UNAMID (United Nations - African Union Mission in Darfur), General Martin Luther Agwai, has been widely quoted as saying so. And if “over” is taken to mean the end of large-scale clashes between heavily armed forces, then this statement is true. In his view, the problems are now essentially related to “security issues… banditry, localised issues, people trying to resolve issues over water and land at a local level. But real war as such, I think we are over that”.

Is this assessment substantially new?

Not necessarily. In the most recent July 13, 2009 Report of the Secretary-General on the deployment of the African Union-United Nations Hybrid Operation in Darfur, UNSG Ban Ki-moon also noted the reduced levels of force on force violence:

During June 2009, there was a decline in the reported levels of violence in Western Darfur, although the armed parties along the Chad-Sudan border remained on high alert… following attacks by the Justice and Equality Movement on positions near Umm Baru (Northern Darfur) in mid-May 2009, there have been no significant military operations, although Sudanese Armed Forces have maintained an increased presence and military patrolling activities in the areas of Umm Baru, Kornoi and Tine, Northern Darfur… large-scale violence stretching over a wide territory and for lengthy periods is now infrequent.

This reported reduction in fighting, should it last, can only be welcomed by those interested in seeing a possible breathing space open for some form of eventual negotiated peace.

But does that mean that Darfur, as the problems there are popularly understood, is “over”? Certainly not.

The same July 2009 report by the UNSG states clearly and unambiguously: “the situation for the civilians of Darfur continues to be deeply troubling, with 2.6 million internally displaced persons (IDP) unable to return to their homes and some 4.7 million Darfurians in need of assistance. Meanwhile, banditry and sexual violence continue to plague civilians throughout Darfur.”

The assessment of the UN High Commissioner for Refugees is just as worrisome:

Conflict and the displacement of civilians within Darfur, and to Chad, continue to hamper efforts to protect and assist the region’s 2.5 million IDPs, as well as some 45,000 Chadian refugees and more than 3,000 refugees from the Central African Republic. The joint African Union and United Nations hybrid force (UNAMID) is present but unable to carry out all its responsibilities due to a lack of equipment and personnel… in Darfur, besides insecurity, violence against women and environmental degradation, the primary concerns of people are in access to land and other livelihood opportunities. Migration heightens rivalries over natural resources, and competition for water, firewood and grazing land can lead to conflict.

In other words, while fighting may be down currently, the underlying issues which lie at its root have yet to be addressed or resolved and the humanitarian consequences of this remains unabated. Coupled with the very serious challenges surrounding the Comprehensive Peace Agreement which has led to a Government of National Unity after many years of North/South conflict, the UNHCR assessment remains all too true today: “The conflict in Sudan continues to affect millions of people and create a complex and volatile political and security situation that remains a challenge for the humanitarian community”.

Similarly unresolved, despite the current lull in major combat, are the very important issues surrounding impunity and the International Criminal Court indictments. Amnesty International has repeatedly called for cooperation on the indictments, which concern President Bashir and others, while rejecting the smoke screen neo-colonialist argument attempting to delegitimize the ICC:

Africa played a leading – indeed, decisive - role in 1998 in the establishment of the ICC. Thirty African states have so far ratified the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court. African states strongly supported the creation of the ICC as a court of last resort to ensure that African victims of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes receive justice and reparations whenever states were unable and unwilling to investigate and prosecute such crimes. Three African states, the Central African Republic, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Uganda, referred situations in their own countries to the ICC on such a basis. A fourth country, Côte d’Ivoire, has recognized the ICC’s jurisdiction to investigate and prosecute crimes in its territory or by its citizens abroad.

Until a real and lasting peace is negotiated which confronts the underlying conditions which have led to six years of war, allowing for the safe return of refugees and the internally displaced and including safeguards marking an end to impunity and a respect for the legitimate ICC process, it is not - and cannot be - “over” in Darfur.

Another for Katie Marie

2009-08-27T09:47:00.006-04:00

8/27/09

7 years have flown by.....

It was a beautiful summer evening, not a cloud in the sky, with only the wind as a distraction. The smell of fresh flowers lying upon your grave was subtle, yet oh so sweet. Cards, ribbons, and flags fluttered in the breeze, each reflecting another's memory of you or expressing the disbelief in the amount of time that has passed since we last saw your smiling face. The clock moved slowly as I sat in the grass, simply staring at the headstone. Thoughts of our time spent together flooded my memory one after another. Some sweet, some outrageous, all precious. I pounded on the keyboard, documenting these memories in cyberspace, hoping to keep them forever.

As I think back upon that night, 7 years ago today, tears silently fall down my face. A wave of emotions creeps through my body, each one fighting its way to the top. First, anger. Then, disbelief. Followed by happiness, sadness, heartache. Images of that night replay themselves over and over again, as if set on repeat. Passing the site of the accident, the massive pile of metal that no longer even remotely resembled a vehicle. Such a terrible, frightening sight. Desperately hoping I did not know whomever was in that car because I knew there was no possible way there would be a survivor. The call from my father hours later. "Katie was in an accident." Collapsing on the floor, sobbing, can't breathe. Getting in the car, pedal down, don't remember the drive at all. Getting out of the car, little sister running to me, screaming, falling to the ground in despair. Holding her, so desperately wishing I could take away her tears. Visitors all night....through the night. Most of Lebanon High School in the yard, on the street. Tears everywhere. I can't believe this is happening.

And, today, seven years later, I still can't believe it happened. It was too soon. You were just beginning to show the world how wonderful you were. Fortunately, I experienced 16 years of your wonder. I wish others were so lucky.

As the years have passed, my memory has faded, not of you, but of time spent together. Rusty, as some may say. But, the image of your beautiful face and the presence of your incredible, uplifting spirit will always remain. You will forever be in my heart. And, as I wrote in this very blog one year ago today, you will forever be perfect.

7 years have flown by.....

Perhaps the most beautiful love letter of all....

2009-08-15T23:04:00.003-04:00

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours.

Self Reliance

2009-08-03T13:36:00.012-04:00

...There is a time in every (hu)man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but (God) will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A (hu)man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but when he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.

...Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great (humans) have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated in their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now (hu)man, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

...The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

...I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.

...If any (hu)man considers the present aspects of what is called by distinction "society," he will see the need of these ethics. The sinew and heart of (hu)man seem to be drawn out, and we are becoming timorous, desponding whimperers. We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. We want men and women who shall renovate life and our social state, but we see that most natures are insolvent, cannot satisfy their own wants, have an ambition out of all proportion to their practical force, and do lean and beg day and night continually. Our housekeeping is mendicant, our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born.

...The rage of travelling is a symptom of a deeper unsoundness affecting the whole intellectual action. The intellect is a vagabond, and our system of education fosters restlessness. Our minds travel when our bodies are forced to stay at home. We imitate; and what is imitation but the travelling of the mind? As our Religion, our Education, our Art look abroad, so does our spirit of society. All (humans) plume themselves on the improvement of society, and no (hu)man improves.

...Society is a wave. The wave moves onward, but the water of which it is composed does not. The same particle does not rise from the valley to the ridge. Its unity is only phenomenal. The persons who make up a nation today, next year die, and their experience with them.

...Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.

I.L.P.

2009-07-18T09:33:00.008-04:00

"Paris. How cliched to be impressed. But I was. It's an unbelievable gift to be able to travel. It just is. How thrilling. How thrilling to be somewhere different - where every sight and smell seems strange and exotic. Paris, where I'd been so many times before, was still a foreign city to me. The cafes, the bread, the cheese, the men with their ruddy faces and gray mustaches - and the smell. It smells old and earthy. European. I love it."

Single Schmingle

2009-07-15T22:14:00.005-04:00

7/15/09

It's the most annoying question and they just can't help asking you. You'll be asked it at family gatherings, particularly weddings. Men will ask you it on first dates. Therapists will ask you over and over again. And you'll ask yourself it far too often. It's the question that has no good answer, and that never makes anyone feel better. It's the question, that when people stop asking it, makes you feel even worse.

And yet, I can't help but ask. Why are you single? You seem like an awfully nice person. And very attractive. I just don't understand it.

But times are changing. In almost every country around the world, the trend is for people to remain single longer and to divorce more easily. As more and more women become economically independent, their need for personal freedom increases, and that often results in not marrying so quickly.

A human being's desire to mate, to pair up, to be a part of a couple, will never change. But, the way we go about it, how badly we need it, what we are willing to sacrifice for it, most definitely is changing.

So maybe the question isn't anymore, "Why are you single?" Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is "How are you single?" It's a big new world out there and the rules keep changing.

What resolution?

2009-06-07T22:26:00.001-04:00

June 7, 2009: One lonely day in May, during a 5-hour layover at D.C.'s Reagan International Airport, I found my eyes wandering through the crowd of lifeless, annoyed travelers, wondering what I should do to pass the time, and what would be my best escape from the smelly old man next to me. Of course, I should have been reading the chapter that was due the following day, or working on an assignment, or maybe studying for the PLT (which is coming up in just 5 short days....YIKES!!), but instead, I indulged in an express pedicure, a Starbucks Caramel Apple Spice (or, as I refer to it, Heaven in a Cardboard Cup), a beer and a burger at the infamous Gordon Biersch, and a lengthy hiatus at the mini-Borders Bookstore. Ironically, after nearly 45 minutes of mindless page-flipping, I found myself holding a book called, "Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution." Now, you may be thinking, "Chicken Soup??? Who are you and where is Erica?" Trust me, I thought the same thing. Looking at the clock and realizing I still had about 2 hours before departure, I decided to flip through the damn thing. I flipped. And I flipped some more. And some more. Before I knew it, I had read nearly 30 pages! It was fascinating and real, and I couldn't put it down. I reluctantly threw $17 on the counter and hurried out of that place before I ended up buying anything else.

Because I'm still in school, I have only been able to read bits here and there. The past few days, however, I spent hours reading the stories of successful (and not so successful) resolutions made by people around the country. Some were to lose weight, others were to save more, and others to live more. Some are tearful, some are hilarious. ALL ARE INSPIRATIONAL. During this lonely weekend, I have reflected back upon the two resolutions I made as the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2009. My first, to save! save! save!, while quite boring and traditional, has fortunately been upheld. I have a jar (which I keep on top of my cabinet so that I don't have the urge to reach into it on a daily basis) that is half full of coins and small amounts of cash. Each paycheck, I put just a little bit ($20 here, $10 there) into my savings account. I'm not sure what these two money pots will be used for, but at least I've kept my resolution. My second, to live for me, has been a little more difficult. Yes, I do what I want, when I want. That's the joy of being single and living alone. If I want to run around the house naked, I will! But, I still feel a constant urge to please others, to put others before myself. Sometimes it's necessary, and sometimes I want to do it, but sometimes, I find the real me cussing out the nice me for saying yes to the colleague who asked me to work on his project, or for returning to the friend who has become one big disappointment.

The resolutions I made are important to me. If they weren't, I wouldn't have made them in the first place! However, in reading this book, I've realized that resolutions are just goals, and if they aren't fulfilled in one year, keep trying until you reach that goal. I've also realized that resolutions don't have to be so serious, and they definitely don't have to be made on that one single night a year where everyone wears sparkly dresses, toasts to a new beginning, and affectionately (or maybe drunkenly) welcomes in the new year with a kiss.

I've taken several ideas from this book. Some are personal, and will not be discussed here for the world to critique. Others I am proud to share. For example, instead of focusing on the "to-do" lists that consume my life, I will start focusing on my "have-done" list, to remind me of what I've accomplished in my young life. It will be an on-going list that I hope to keep forever as a reflection of the life I've led. Similar to this, I'd like to begin a journal of thanks. This journal will hold the things that I'm thankful for each and every day. Whether it's a snuggle from Paris, or a smile from a passing stranger, anything that brings joy to my life will be recorded. Along with the "have-done" list, I hope this journal will be my motivation to continue on, even in the toughest of times. My final, and perhaps most challenging, task is that of a year of photographs. Each day for the next 365 days, I will upload a picture I have taken that day (aka a "picture of the day") that reflects some aspect of the day. In essence, this will end up as a year of my life in photos. Perhaps this will last a month....maybe it will last a year....but, just possibly, it could last a lifetime. My life in photos. I can only imagine.

**INFORMATION ON WHERE TO FOLLOW MY YEAR IN PHOTOGRAPHS WILL BE POSTED SHORTLY (gimme a break, it's 10:30 pm, I'm not starting tonight!!)

*** MY YEAR IN PHOTOS CAN BE ACCESSED BY CLICKING THE "PHOTO OF THE DAY" LINK TO THE LEFT (in the "some of my faves...." column)

Through the looking glass.

2009-01-22T13:31:00.003-05:00

I've realized that my life has become a chaotic, unrecognizable place. I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, some good, some bad. I've lost a few good friends, but gained several great ones. I'm disregarding things that were once important, and replacing them with things that are now necessary for (emotional and physical) survival. I have doubts, issues, problems, drama, all unnecessary. I'm torn. Being pulled in several different directions. It's an endless whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster ride that has lasted far too long. Take the easy route? Hold on through the tough times? Continue hoping? Or, live for me....as I declared as the clock struck midnight. I'm young, determined, and independent. Why do I feel so helpless? One emotion says go, the other says stay. One says me, the other says him. For months, I've fought myself, convinced myself one way or the other. For my sanity, for me, it's time. It's time to live for me....and make the decision that best represents that resolution. My heart is damaged from past experiences. And this will add yet another scar. A best friend, a lover, a companion. Alone I am not, but alone I so feel.

Craig Ferguson & politics....so funny, but oh so true

2008-09-23T23:40:00.002-04:00

For You...And You, and You, and You.....

2008-09-07T20:46:00.007-04:00

Josh stole this from Kristen, and now I shall steal it from him. Apparently, you are supposed to write things that you would NEVER say to someone...someone who has been an integral part of your life. These are people specific, so if you think you're worthy of my time, read on. If not, read on anyway...you may learn a little something about me.

1. You mean the world to me. It's amazing what you've done to me in such a short amount of time. I don't know, maybe you were doing it to me all along and I just now accepted it. All I know is I love it and I love what I have become because of you. You're a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you.

2. You are going to be deeply missed. Wherever you are in this world, I hope you'll carry me with you. Our friendship will survive, despite the distance between us. I love you forever and always.

3. You are lucky I have a sense of civility and a bit of tact. If I were to attack you half as much as you have me, you'd never be able to show your face in public again. You're a disgrace to anyone who has ever supported you or put faith in you. And unfortunately for you, those closest to you agree with me. Your best friends are now laughing with me and turning their backs to you. You're worthless. I'm sorry it ended this way...but YOU created this monster.

4. I had so much faith and hope in you. I really thought you'd succeed, especially after watching me. As of now, you've failed. You've turned out like those we criticized. Should I be disappointed in myself? Or should I accept that I've done all I can? I'm here. I'll help you. Just ask. I love you.

5. I love you more than I could ever express to you. I wish you knew that. And I wish I knew what you feel for me. Sometimes I feel discarded, unsatisfactory, although I know that I'm truly deserving of more than what you give to me. Those few days we spent together in the car were wonderful. We bonded more than we ever have. I'd give anything to do that again. To feel your love, your support, and your pride in me. I love you....I truly do.

6. I can't believe you went back. You are asking for trouble. Serious trouble. How many times are you going to let him hurt you? What if this time he does more than hurt you? Or what if he attacks the kids? Would you be able to live with yourself? You're smarter than this. I have confidence in the fact that you can do better than him. You deserve better than him. Come home. Help yourself and your precious babies. Don't let him continue to hold this power over you. Be strong. We're all here for you.

7. I'm so glad that you're you again. Six years have passed and while we're all still healing, it's nice to know that you, too, have continued on with your life. Your smile, your laugh, your obnoxious bitchiness....it's so great to see it all again. We'll never forget. She'll always be with us. I'm glad you're with us again.

8. You, my little man, are my life. My moon, my stars, my heaven, my earth. It is amazing what I feel as I hold you close to me, as I see you smile, as you wrap your little arms around me. It's impossible to describe the love I have for you....impossible. I can't wait until I can say "I love you, little man" and you can say "I love you too, Auntie E" right back to me. You and I....we have some amazing times ahead of us. I LOVE YOU!

9. You've done more for me than I could have ever expected. For that I am eternally grateful.

10. We aren't as close as we used to be, as we should be. Regardless, I love you all the same. Tough times will soon come to you, and I'll be here, as you have been for me. You hurt, I hurt, right?

11. Please don't judge me for what's happening in my life right now. I know you're sensitive to this. As I said, I can't help how I feel. You're an amazing friend and I don't want that to change. Someday you'll understand. I promise.

12. You betrayed us all. You left at a time when we needed you most. Your effort and dedication was thrown away like an old toy. And, to leave us for someone else? Someone you don't know, like, or trust? What have you done? You can beg for forgiveness, and maybe we'll forgive, but we'll never forget.

13. You will get caught. And, don't expect me to feel sorry for you...I'll feel sorry for her.

14. What have I done to create this eternal animosity between us? I've done nothing but good things for you. Well, get over it, and get used to me. I'm going to be around for a LONG while.

15. I'm sorry things turned out this way. And I'm sorry I barged back into your life just to leave again. I didn't mean to hurt you, not once, but twice. I thought it was what I wanted. I was wrong.

16. I'm so proud of your success. I know we had our issues, but that's what happens when people spend too much time together. You are an amazing person...smart, talented, driven, dedicated. You are destined for great things, even more than what you've already achieved in the short time you've spent chasing your dreams. Best of luck, and don't forget about me when you become famous! I hope to see you soon.

17. You're amazing. I may not always show it, but I love you more than you know. You're my savior....literally.

18. You are more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe. You do not deserve someone like her. The next time you hurt her, I will hurt you.

19. You are even more disgusting than the one who is more disgusting than the chewed up gum on the bottom of my shoe. I guess you're a real man because you can beat up a woman to the point of almost killing her. Or maybe you're a real man because you "discipline" your kids to the point where they will hardly look anyone in the eye. You are a chauvinistic pig and deserve nothing but a life of eternal pain and suffering.

20. I haven't met you. I haven't touched you, smelled you, heard you, or held you. But I already love you.

♥

Little Man

2008-09-02T19:40:00.006-04:00

Welcome to this world, little man.

Open your eyes, open your mouth,

Let out a scream as loud as you can.

Ten tiny fingers, and ten tiny toes,

An amazing, healthy boy...just as planned.

A world full of love, joy, family and friends,

This is the place where it all began.

Learn to walk, learn to talk,

We'll lead you through life, hand-in-hand.

We'll watch you grow, we'll watch you succeed,

We'll watch you develop your master plan.

Baseball, football, soccer, track,

Whatever your choice, we're your biggest fans.

Doctor, lawyer, teacher, artist,

These are all a part of a grander plan.

Father, brother, son, friend,

Remember what's most important throughout your life span.

One more time, from me to you,

Welcome to this world, Little Man.

♥ CJH 9/02/08

Katie Marie....8-27-02

2008-08-27T20:48:00.006-04:00

6 years have flown by...

It seems like yesterday we were reluctantly and unwillingly posing in our long, black gowns, trying not to laugh as the oooohs and aaaaahs were followed by bright flashes of light. "You'd think we were celebs, for fucks sake," you whispered to me. I almost choked. It was perfect.

Or how about a few years earlier....matching bikinis on the sandy beaches of Florida. A week of sand, sun, and hottie tottie baseball players! We were in heaven! Belly button rings, Jeep Cherokee, baseball games, annoying brothers and sisters (and parents!), sneaking sips of alcohol, giggling like school girls. It was perfect.

So many memories, yet the words just won't come. I can still hear your laugh. I can still feel your hug. I can still see you running around flashing everyone. You sure did love your boobs....as did everyone else!! I still hear it every now and then....."Damn, Katie had huge boobs!" I just shake my head and laugh...and sometimes say, "Yeah, she knows."

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. At least I can smile now, instead of fighting back the tears, and for that I am thankful. The memories you gave me will never be erased, the laughter we shared will never be replaced. You will forever have a place in my heart, KTA. To me, you will forever be perfect.

6 years have flown by.....

Let's take a walk.

2008-08-25T20:51:00.003-04:00

Jingle, jingle....the sounds of the collar as I pull it out of the drawer. "Let's go for a walk, babe!" Jingle, jingle.

Jump. Run. Jump. Spin. Jumpjumpjump. Spin. Sit.

Slide the collar on, hook the leash. Oops....sorry babe, I got some hair!

Runrunrun. Jumpjumpjump.

Down the steps and onto the sidewalk. She's crazy, spastic, hyper, excited. She loves walks. Ipod on, feeling the music. My time to relax.

OH!! The neighbors ivy. Always my first stop. Sniffsniffsniff. Sniffsniffsniff. Ok, enough of that.

Continue walking. OMG!!! Look out for the dumb ass on the four-wheeler....my life just flashed before my eyes. BREATHE....10-9-8-7.....

OH!!! Fire hydrant #1! Sniffsniffsniff. Let's wrap the leash around it. Always wrap the leash around it. Hehe.

She always wraps the freaking leash around it. ALWAYS. Pick her up, cross the bridge, set her down. More obstacles...a father and son on bicycles, a car pulling into the park, another exiting. Poor Paris. So small. So excited.

OH!!! A McDonalds bag! Foodfoodfood. Damn....nothing. OH!!! Fire hydrant #2! Sniffsniffsniff. I won't wrap myself around it this time....maybe next time.

Golfers. Men. Always staring. Look forward. Resist the urge to let the middle finger fly, or worse, punch them. No, I would never. But I'd like to! Cross the street. From passing cars I hear "Oh, look how cute!" Yeah, she is, isn't she? I know this. FOR SALE.....my dream house. Huge. White. Victorian. Bright blue shutters. Large porch. Too bad it's out of my price range....or anyone else's for that matter. You'd think after years on the market, they'd lower it. Whatever. My favorite block. Victorian after victorian. White, blue, yellow, pink. Flashbacks of Rainbow Row on the Battery in Charleston. Beautiful city. Bad memories. DING!! Think about something else. The sound of some sort of machine in the background. Cross the street. Which way? This way. Walkwalkwalk. Elderly women and minimal amounts of exercise. Families returning from football practice. Friends gossiping on wrap-around porches. Men...staring again. Maybe they're staring at the pup and not me. Maybe. Another FOR SALE. And another. Beautiful house. Let's take a look at the brochure.

OH!!! We're stopping! Ok, I didn't wrap the last time....it's time to wrap. Around and around I go. Hehe.

Damnit, Paris!! Always wrapping. I attempt to unwrap her from the FOR SALE sign, but as I make my way around the sign, she follows, winding us both into a tangled web of leash. I'm sure the elderly exercisers, the football family, the gossiping friends, and the staring men are all getting a chuckle out of this. Ha. Ha. To make it worse, I think we walked into mosquito haven. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!! Smack, smack, smack! Continue walking. Beautiful homes. Maybe someday. Sidewalk chalkers. Future artists? I doubt it. Smack! Hmmm....I haven't been down this road. Walkwalkwalk. Smack! Dead end. That must be why I've never been down this road. U turn. Walkwalkwalk. Again, pass the future artists, FOR SALE, staring men, gossiping friends, football family, and elderly exercisers. RUFF! RUFF! What a handsome old Basset Hound. Sounds tough. In actuality, too old and lazy to move from his cozy spot on the porch. Smack! Walkwalkwalk. Daydream....future, love, family, home. Hope. Pray. Wish. Someday. Uh oh....big, black dog on the loose. Where's master? Where's master? Oh, there's master. And the machine making all that racket. RUFF! RUFF! Oh no....please be an invisible fence.

RUNRUNRUN!! He's big. And scary. And loud. And UNLEASHED! Oh shit, let's go mommy! Let's go! RUNRUNRUN!!

Smile and pass. Smile and pass. Of course....master speaks. The usual....she's so small, she's so cute, blah blah blah. Seeing the fear in her eyes, I quickly spill my usual....she's full grown, three pounds, mini yorkie, thank you, yeah yeah yeah and hurry her to safety. Smack! Whew. That was close. Thank God for the invisible fence. Cross the street. Golfers. Men. Staring. Middle finger? Punch? No. Look forward and ignore. Look forward and ignore. BREATHE. 10-9-8-7...

OH!!! A jogger! Let's get him! RUNRUNRUN!! Ok, mom's not running. Wait. RUNRUNRUN!! Apparently she's not running again. Always ruining my fun. OH!!! Fire hydrant #3! Sniffsniffsniff. I won't wrap this time....the last one was pretty good....I'll give her a break.

Thank goodness she didn't wrap. She always wraps. Smack! Almost home. What a nice walk...aside from the mosquitos, the black beast, and the perverted golfers. What a nice walk.

We'll take another one tomorrow, babe. Good Girl!

Just read it.

2008-08-24T16:25:00.004-04:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or laugh at my thoughts. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember, hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there anymore. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

H-A-T-E

2008-08-24T15:40:00.006-04:00

hate, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

Never before have I felt this much hate for someone. In fact, I don't think I've ever hated anyone. But now....

It's such a strong word....definitely not one to be used lightly. And in my case, lightly is definitely not how it is used. The pain and distress I feel because of him is unbearable, indescribable, incomprehensible. His misery is propelling the misery of others; not just myself, but my friends and family, those closest to me. His threats, while more than likely empty, are degrading and humiliating. As I have been told numerous times by those "closest" to him, he is a miserable person, always has been, and he is not willing to live alone in this misery. It is now his goal to make everyone around him just as woeful as he. Pathetic...

What a waste of nearly three years of my life. While many may question this statement, I can honestly say that most of the time spent with him was spent unhappy and unsatisfied. Of course, I always put a smile on my face, as I am doing now. But hidden underneath the surface was resentment, melancholy, and solitude. A world of anger and sadness. Money, drugs, depression...the staples of HIS life....the dolor of MINE. Why did I stay? Why did I let him affect me in this way? At first, it was because I had hope that he'd one day straighten out his life and together we could make an amazing world for the two of us. As this idealism faded, I tried several times to escape, each time to no avail as he would threaten not only me, but my family, my friends, my pets, all in all my sanity. I suffered in order to protect my loves. Noble, huh?? Yeah, not so much....

So, here I am. Obviously, I finally found the strength to leave. And while I continue to be haunted by him, I know it will all go away....hopefully sooner rather than later.

Fortunately, I have found happiness elsewhere.....

It all starts....

2008-08-19T21:22:00.007-04:00

....about 3 months ago. Well, that's when the drama starts. Really, IT all starts about 2 years ago. The anger, the hurt, the realization that he definitely isn't made for me. If only I had made the decision then.... I spent days, weeks, months, years following him, serving him, pleasing him, too foolish to see the real him. After driving 4000 miles, losing my entire savings, losing my precious Bubby, and finding my true self, I finally realized. I realized.....

So, here I am. Now back in Ohio....back HOME. What a bittersweet feeling. Happy, sad, disappointed, anxious, stressed, relieved. A whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes I can't handle it....the anger, the hatred I feel for him as he continues to focus his life on the destruction of mine. But I keep my head up, put on a smile, and laugh with them all.

My strength would not be possible without those surrounding me. My Dad....the most wonderful, caring man I know....the man who flew across the country to save his baby girl....the man who drove 2000 miles back across the country all the while being a shoulder for his daughter to cry on. My Mom....my rock....the woman who has provided me with a safe haven, a place to rest my head, and food for my belly. My BFF....my heart and soul....the one who truly understands what I'm going through....the one who always has words of wisdom and pieces of advice....the one who can ALWAYS make me laugh.

So, as I sit here, working out MY FIRST BLOG (!), I keep thinking of one quote...."Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Past Quotes

2008-08-01T23:11:00.014-04:00

"Just being in this moment, doing this thing, was the most important and marvelous possibility for you." -Zadie Smith, On Beauty

"To be great is to be misunderstood." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention."

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -Aldous Huxley

"[some argue] that it's sexist to keep Sarah Palin under wraps, as if she were a delicate flower who might wilt under the bright lights of the modern media. But the more Palin talks, the more we see that it may not be sexism but common sense that's causing the McCain campaign to treat her like a time bomb." -Fareed Zakaria

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." -Helen Keller

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends." - From Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." -From the film, "Wedding Crashers"

"In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime." -From Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

"Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless." -Jamie Paolinetti